


I'll Catch You

by Kate_Shepard



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Anal, Angst, Dirty Talk, Dom!Zaeed, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Hurt/Comfort, Light BDSM, Past Jacob/FemShep, Past Kaidan Alenko/Commander Shepard, Porn, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, Slow Build, Smut, shaeed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 11:32:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 29,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6516814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kate_Shepard/pseuds/Kate_Shepard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zaeed Massani always thought Commander Shepard was goddamn beautiful. What he didn't realize was that she thought the same about him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> BioWare owns the Mass Effect universe and all characters. I just play with it for my own entertainment.

Shepard sure as hell did like her goddamn lapdogs, Zaeed mused as he watched the commander slide into a seat in the mess beside the armory officer. First that smarmy bastard Alenko and now the virtuous Jacob Taylor. Made him wonder why she kept coming down to listen to his stories. God knew the savior of the Citadel and first human Spectre had seen more in her short life than he had in all his years of being a bloody merc. She’d taken down a goddamn thresher maw on foot and, from what he’d heard, Garrus and Grunt had done little more than keep its attention off of her while she charged her beloved Cain. She’d defeated a goddamn Reaper. She’d taken out more bloody gunships in the last month than he had in his entire life. Her best friend was fuckin’ Archangel of all people and wasn’t that a damn surprise, especially when she’d let him kill the guy who’d betrayed his team. It gave him hope for when they finally got around to going after Vido. She was such a bloody do-gooder that he’d begun to worry about what she’d do when she found out the real reason for going to Zorya. 

He thought he’d started to figure her out, though. Shepard was neither a paragon of virtue nor a full-blown renegade out for her own. She had her own moral code and she stuck by it. She was an angel of mercy to the innocents and an angel of death to her enemies. She kept her word. She respected her team and let them choose their own paths, probably recognizing that hers was tailored perfectly to herself but not necessarily to anyone else. The mission to go find that damn drell assassin was a perfect example. She’d gone out of her way to save the salarians trapped in the building even though it had cost her time and medigel that she could have saved for herself but when a merc had refused to give her information, she hadn’t hesitated to push him out the damned window and she hadn’t batted a single one of those long-ass eyelashes when the assassin had killed Nassana and her guards. When the mission was hers, she made peace where she could and left fire and destruction in her wake when she couldn’t. 

When it was someone else’s, though, she let them make their own calls and damned if they weren’t a blood-thirsty lot. Half her team were goddamn murderers now. Miranda had killed her friend. Mordin had killed his student. Garrus had killed his old teammate. Samara had killed her own daughter—cold bitch, that one. Thane had killed Nassana. He was going to kill Vido. Taylor hadn’t killed his old man, though Zaeed would have and he thought Shepard wanted him to, at least a little. Surprisingly enough, Jack, the crazy bitch, had let the guy back on Pragia go with little enough fuss that he thought Shepard might have had to actually work to talk her into killing him but that wasn’t her style. She’d give her opinion, sure, but she ultimately left the choice up to her teammates. That, more than anything, seemed to assure their undying loyalty to her. 

He still didn’t understand her penchant for the so-called good boys. They couldn’t handle her and she should bloody well know that by now. She needed to quit pretending that she was a goddamn normal human being who could settle down with a nice young man and be happy. She’d be fuckin’ miserable and the damn boy would run screaming in the end like Alenko did the moment she jumped off of the goddamn pedestal the pup had put her on and started getting her hands dirty. Of course, who she chose to spend her time with was none of his goddamn concern. Zaeed didn’t give a shit if she got her heart broken as long as she got the damn job done. Given the way she’d handled Alenko’s treachery, she wasn’t about to let some lapdog get her down. Even when things weren’t going her way, she kept control of herself if nothing else. It was Zaeed’s personal opinion that what she really needed was a man who’d strip her of that control and give her a place to let it all go but it wasn’t his place to say so and he didn’t give a damn besides.

___

Maybe he gave a little bit of a damn. A little bit was too goddamn much, if you asked him. He had no business feeling protective of the commander. She was a tough bitch and could take care of herself. She’d proven that time and time again on this mission. It shouldn’t matter to him when he saw Garrus look over at Shepard and Taylor with worry written clear enough on his tough face. He shouldn’t care when he overheard Tali and Miranda in the mess hall debating whether they should warn Shepard or mind their own goddamn business. He shouldn’t find himself spending so much time watching the armory feed to see if Taylor was still messaging that broad, whoever she was. There was certainly a broad and it sure as shit wasn’t Shepard. He could see it in the way Taylor’s face lit up when his omni-tool pinged when he was alone and the way he pretended to ignore it when he wasn’t only to go back into the armory and immediately call it up. 

Zaeed told himself it was just allegiance to Shepard that made him pissed off that Operative Taylor was a cheating bastard. She deserved better than that kind of betrayal after all she’d done. She gave and gave and goddamn gave some more and the only fucking thing she asked of anybody was a little bit of goddamn loyalty. Fuck, she’d done more for him than anyone else he’d ever met in his entire bloody life. He knew her stance on protecting innocents and her stance on letting her crew make their own choices and he’d put her in a position where she’d had to choose between her own morals and her team and all for a bit of bloody revenge that had felt fucking sweet until he’d seen the haunted look in her eyes as she’d stripped out of her reeking armor and all but thrown it to Garrus before locking herself in her quarters with the screams of the dying in her ears for two goddamn days. She’d given him his revenge and all it had cost her was a piece of her soul. He owed her more than loyalty to the mission. 

That didn’t mean that what was going on between her and her damn boyfriend was any of his damned business or that it was his place to interfere. She had people on this ship who’d known her a hell of a lot longer and better than he had. If Garrus or Tali or Joker had thought it was a good idea to step in and say something, they would have. Hell, they might not even come back from this mission and if they didn’t, then it wouldn’t matter that Jacob had spent his last night of shore leave on the Citadel down in Chora’s Den with some amber-skinned piece of tail rather than up in the Dark Star with his girlfriend and most of the crew. If he told her now, it would just upset her and then she wouldn’t be as focused on the mission. That was probably why the others had decided to wait as well. Unit fucking cohesion was more goddamn important than Shepard’s fucking feelings. The hell of it was, she’d likely agree with them. The armory doors opened and Shepard walked in. Zaeed turned up the volume. He told himself it was just because they were about to board a dead goddamn Reaper and if something happened to upset her beforehand, someone needed to know.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took some dialog from this chapter straight from the game because Jacob doesn't seem to be a common romance (hmm...I wonder why) and I don't know how many people know this is even a possibility with his character.

Shepard wasn’t an idiot. Something was wrong. Jacob was acting even more strange than usual and she was beginning to wonder if she’d made a mistake in pushing their relationship out of the realm of professional friendliness. She’d thought being with Kaidan was an emotional roller coaster. Jacob was worse. Kaidan’s issues had been simple—until they weren’t, at least—and revolved around his own ideas of honor and morality. Even the shit he’d pulled on Horizon had just been Kaidan being Kaidan the only way he knew how. It had hurt, of course, but she couldn’t truly blame him. Jacob’s behavior, however, had her on edge and uncertain in a way that she’d never before experienced. 

Everything had changed while she was dead and she’d been unsteady ever since she’d woken up on that table on Lazarus Station. She’d been looking for a rock and Jacob had been there; steady, compassionate, earnest, everything she’d needed, especially after Tali had turned her down on Freedom’s Progress and Garrus had morphed into Archangel and Kaidan had turned his back on her. Jacob had been the only one who’d seemed to recognize that her entire life had been turned upside down and she was scrambling for purchase. She’d latched onto that and it had made her more vulnerable than she cared to admit. 

She’d charged in headfirst the way she did everything and Jacob had at least been honest with her that he wasn’t all in yet. It was two steps forward and one step back with him. They were progressing but some days it felt like the steps forward were smaller than the step backward. Something was eating him and she needed to know what it was. If nothing else, she had to be on top of her crew. They couldn’t afford distractions on this mission and if something was bothering Jacob then it affected her, too, and that was a recipe for disaster. He’d been putting her off since she’d let slip a little too much of how she felt about him. 

The memory of the last time she’d come in here on her rounds still stung. _Figured we were good, Shepard...We’ve got a good thing going. Save the drama for the Collectors._ She wasn’t quite sure how simply checking in equaled drama. She talked to everyone on her crew on a regular basis and he knew it. It made her wonder what drama he was expecting. Had there been someone in his past who’d made him feel that way or was it something…or someone…in his present? She’d seen the way he would occasionally look at his omni-tool when a message came in and then quickly close it with a secret smile followed by a guilty glance in her direction. She’d also noticed the whispers amongst the crew and the worried looks that Garrus couldn’t quite hide. Hell, even Zaeed had started glaring at him lately and she’d thought they’d gotten past their dislike of each other. 

The kicker had come when she’d overheard Jack whispering harshly to him with her fist glowing blue. _If you don’t fucking tell her, I will, asshole._ When Shepard had walked up with a _Tell who what?_ , Jack had shot a murderous look at Jacob. He hadn’t seemed overly concerned but something had passed behind his eyes that had made the back of Shepard’s neck tingle the way it did when an enemy tried to flank her in the field. She was good at evaluating people. It was part of her job and one of the things that made her a good leader. He was hiding something from her and everyone knew it but her. They wouldn’t risk the damage to the team this late in the game by bringing it to her attention but she knew what it meant when the girlfriend was the last to know something.

She leaned back against the table in her customary spot and ignored the twisting in her gut that told her that this particular conversation wasn’t going to end well. She could handle anything that got thrown her way as a soldier or a leader. She could take anything she needed to as a friend. When it came to her romantic skills, however, she was just as awkward and clumsy as Garrus. A part of her wished that the turian was the one she’d fallen for. Loyalty, dedication, and honesty weren’t just words to him. They were his credo. There would never be games like this with anyone Garrus cared about. There was a beauty to that and it made her wonder what if but he’d never looked at her as anything other than a best friend and commanding officer. He wasn’t into humans and she’d respected him enough and valued what they had enough not to try. So here she was, trying to get a read on the minefield she was walking into and reflecting that she’d likely have more success with actual landmines. At least then she’d have her shields. She didn’t have barriers when it came to her people. She never had.

It started out well enough but took a turn when she said, “Maybe we can finally get into what’s bugging you.”

He stepped back. "'We' don’t need to worry about anything bothering me, Shepard,” he deflected. His eyes were cold. “We’ve got a good thing starting here. Don’t invent problems. Besides, not a lot of time for heart-to-hearts when we’re about to shove a foot up the galaxy.”

He wasn’t going to distract her with the mission this time. Something was wrong and she was going to get to the bottom of it before she left. This was her damn ship and she wasn’t going to let anyone—even someone she cared about—push her out before she was ready. As much as she appreciated having someone she could talk to about the things that bothered her, she was also used to others talking to her and Jacob pushed her away at every turn. They were supposed to be a team. “We’ve come far enough to get a little deeper, to talk about your problems. That’s how it works.”

His laugh was bitter and his voice harsh. “How little do you get me if that’s what you think will make everything better?” He turned away and she waited. At least he’d finally admitted that something was wrong. He turned to face her again and said, “Even if you were right, how small would my problems be if you could ‘fix’ them with grad-school psych and a crying jag?” He crossed his arms over his chest, shutting her out even further. She resisted the urge to rub her forehead in frustration. She didn’t know if this was about his father or the mission or another woman or something completely different. The fact of the matter was that, while her emotions insisted that she knew enough, her mind reminded her that she actually knew very little about him or his life. He talked about his family on occasion and a little bit about his military history but never about himself. She knew more about Thane and Jack than she did about the man whom she’d been dating for months now.

“I want to help you,” she said. “It’s what I do for people I care about.”

That was evidently the exact wrong thing to say. She supposed she could have deflected to humor, kept things light the way he insisted, but that wasn’t her. His arms dropped but the tension in his body warned her that it wasn’t to open up to her. He said coldly, “I’m not looking for help. This was a bad idea, Shepard. You and I, we’re not working. We need to keep an official line from now on. I don’t need to go digging for more problems.” 

She kept her face and voice impassive as she said, “If that’s the way you want it, Operative Taylor. Carry on.” With that, she turned precisely and squared her shoulders as she left the armory. Kelly tried to flag her down for something but a quick, “Not now unless it’s an emergency, Yeoman,” was enough to deter her, which assured Shepard that it wasn’t important. She held it together until the elevator deposited her on her own deck and she was certain she was alone. Then she let her fist slam into the bulkhead by the door. “Damn it,” she cursed. “Damn it.” She’d been alive for less than six months and she’d already been dumped twice. This one hurt far more than the one that came before. With Kaidan, she’d had time and distance to ease the sting. Jacob, on the other hand, was immediate. He was mere yards away and she still had to work with him. This was why fraternization was a bad idea but, hell, who else could understand the things she’d seen? Civilians would run in fear from her. Even other soldiers who hadn’t been there would never get it. She just needed to accept that she was fated to be separate, always held apart, and that the dreams of home and family that others could indulge would never be more than that for her. She was a soldier. That’s all she was. That’s all she would ever be. 

At the moment, that didn’t help. It didn’t break apart the hard lump in her throat. “Damn it,” she repeated as she stormed into her cabin. She was Commander fucking Shepard. She would _not_ cry over a goddamn man who’d done nothing but jerk her around for months. She replayed all of their conversations up to this point and could see it so clearly. She’d pushed him. He’d gone along with it but he hadn’t truly been invested. He’d accused her of drama and games, of teasing and manipulating, while she’d simply been trying to figure out where they stood. _Let’s just talk for a bit. Off the record. Just you and me,_ was not pushing or drama. No one else on her crew took issue with her regular talks. They didn’t always want to talk and had no hesitation about saying so but none of them had accused her of any type of ill-will in coming to them. 

A fist banged on her door and Jack’s voice came through. “Open up, Shepard, before I blast this damn door apart.”

Shepard rubbed her face and straightened her hair before going to the door. Jack stood there with a bottle of whiskey and a pistol. “What are you doing?” Shepard asked.

“Dragging you out of your hole,” Jack said. “Fuck knows you’ve done it to me enough damn times. Come on.”

“Where are we going and why?” Shepard asked as she followed the tattooed biotic into the lift. 

“Shuttle bay,” she answered. “We’re going to get hammered, shoot shit, and maybe throw some shockwaves at some of those empty crates lying around.”

“Why?” Shepard asked.

Jack huffed and rolled her eyes. “Come on, Shepard. Don’t make me get into all the feelings shit. Jacob’s an asshole and maybe I’m trying to be a friend or something. Let’s just leave it at that.”

“Who told you?” Shepard asked as the doors to the elevator opened and they stepped off. 

Jack opened the partially empty bottle and passed it to her as she said, “That he’s a cheating asshole or that he’d finally told you?”

“Both,” Shepard said, relishing the burn of the liquor.

Jack shrugged. “I don’t trust anyone. Except maybe you. It’s easy to spot when someone’s fucking someone over if you’re looking for it. And I might have gone up to play poker and drink with Zaeed and noticed you coming out of the armory looking pissed. You owe him a new bottle of whiskey, by the way. Apparently this is ‘the good shit’ and ‘just what she needs to forget that goddamn little bastard.’”

“Thanks,” Shepard said and took the pistol Jack offered. Firing rounds at the empty crates was okay but it wasn’t enough. She charged and a blink later the crates were flying across the bay. She was generally wearing armor when she did this and the force was enough to knock back a full-grown krogan but the impact slammed through her body and she breathed a sigh of relief even as she rubbed her aching shoulder. It was a good pain, a clarifying pain, and she crossed the bay again as Jack used her biotics to stack them again for another charge. It would be better with the jarring recoil and boom of her shotgun following it up but this was good, too. 

She charged the boxes until Jack got tired of stacking them and sent a shockwave to further scatter them. The biotic’s manic laugh triggered her own as the bay flashed with biotic lightning and crates flew and shattered with satisfying thunderous crashes. Trust Jack to know that she needed to take the storm inside and let it out. They eventually collapsed back against the shuttle and breathed heavily as they passed the bottle back and forth in comfortable silence. Shepard bumped Jack’s shoulder affectionately and Jack huffed and jerked the bottle away before bumping back. 

In his quarters, Zaeed turned away from the monitor. The show was over. Shepard would be okay. It didn’t begin to repay the debt he owed her, but it was a goddamn start.


	3. Chapter 3

The Collector base was nothing short of a goddamn nightmare. He’d thought the supposedly disabled ship had been a cluster fuck and that the dead Reaper had been bad. Those were nothing compared to what they found on the other side of the goddamn Omega 4 relay. Zaeed was no stranger to filth. He’d lived on fucking Omega for fuck’s sake. This place, though, made Omega look like bloody Ilium. The base reminded him of a dirt dauber’s nest and the winged former Protheans with their bug-like appearances didn’t disabuse him of that notion. This was beyond his goddamn paygrade. He was used to fighting pirates and mercenaries and slavers. Collectors and Praetorians and Reapers were outside of anything he’d ever experienced. At the end of the day, though, they were still mortal and that meant they could die. He knew how to kill things. He was damn good at killing things and these things died just like everything else he sighted down on.

Shepard sent Legion into the vents even though Zaeed thought she should have let Jacob take the damn suicide job if he fucking wanted it so bad. When the bastard said, ‘Practically a suicide mission. I volunteer,’ Shepard winced as if he’d hit her and Zaeed remembered something the asshole had said to her once that she damn sure was remembering as well. _You impress the hell out of me, Shepard. We might actually get through this because of you. Keep it up, I may volunteer for fewer suicide missions._ Had the little bastard deliberately called back to that, knowing that she was the only one who’d feel the barb? Zaeed’s hands curled into fists as he pictured burying them in the operative’s goddamn mouth.

The first part of the mission wasn’t too bad. The Collectors threw a lot of fire at them and it was a race against time to get the gates open for Legion before the heat fried his damn systems but they made it and the geth got the doors taken care of in record time. Garrus and his team covered Shepard, Jack, and Zaeed as they backed through, firing on the goddamn bugs. It felt better than he wanted to admit to stand shoulder to shoulder with this team she’d put together. And then they turned and saw the first of the horrors this goddamn funhouse had waiting on them. They got the crew out but not before watching one of the colonists get fucking liquefied. Shepard decided that Mordin should escort the crew back to the ship in case there were medical issues from the pods and then put Jack on holding the bubble for the seeker swarms. 

He waited while she chose the third member of their team. He and Jacob had been her preferred squad until their falling out and then Jacob had been replaced with Jack. Zaeed liked fighting with the biotic bitches and thought that she should have chosen Samara but when she gestured to Thane, he figured out her rationale. She couldn’t charge through here due to the swarms. That severely constrained her fighting style as her shockwave didn’t do much against barriers and armor and the drell could warp. Her tactic of charging into groups of husks and making them explode wouldn’t work here, so the assassin could throw them back before they were able to swarm her. He’d half expected Garrus but she needed him to lead. No one wanted to follow the ice queen and Shepard had lost her faith in Jacob. He figured out why she’d put Jack on the barrier when the tattooed little bitch turned around at the end and shoved her biotic field out and cleared the entire goddamn field in one go. 

___

Garrus took a round to the abdomen but shook it off. It was still enough combined with what she saw when she looked around to make her call for a rest. She saw her crew bent over with their hands on their knees as they chugged water, choked down ration bars, and applied medigel to various wounds, all of which were thankfully minor thus far. They rechecked weapons, rearranged their gear, and counted thermal clips. Everyone was exhausted but when they looked to her, it was clear that they were still game despite the pain of the particle beams and Harbinger’s blasts and the burning of their abused muscles. Time had lost all meaning within the base. It felt like days since they’d made the jump through the relay and so much had happened since then that seemed to confirm it but it very well could have been only hours. She didn’t look at her omni-tool to check. It didn’t matter. The noncombatants in her crew, the ones who weren’t soldiers but had signed on to die if necessary nonetheless, were safe. The only thing that mattered now was blowing this place sky high. 

She took Zaeed and Jack with her for the final push and rallied the rest to hold the door. If someone had asked her mere weeks ago what she’d have thought of in the moment when the grizzled merc went sliding across the tilted platform toward the abyss that held the now-dead human Reaper, she’d have said Zorya. However, that didn’t even cross her mind as she dove after him without hesitation. She ignored his shout of, “The hell are you doing, Shepard?” and reached out for his hand. What she saw instead was a half-drunk bottle of his favorite Mount Milgrom, battle after battle where he’d had her back, hours spent sitting on a crate while he propped against the bulkhead and regaled her with stories, him patiently teaching her to throw his favored knives. He was the only person in her crew who’d never once turned her away. He always made time for her. He never asked how she was doing but he always seemed to know and was ready with a shot or a cigar or undemanding silence or a quick commentary on the mission. She saw one of the best friends she’d ever had despite the vast differences between them and she would be damned if she let him fall.

Their hands locked around each other as he flew over the edge and she felt her shoulder wrench out of its socket as his weight came to a jolting halt supported by nothing but her hand. “Don’t let go!” she warned as the strength went out of her grip.

“You goddamn bloody idiot!” he shouted up at her. “The fuck were you thinking, throwing yourself at me like that? The hell were you going to do if you missed?”

She grinned in spite of the pain searing her shoulder and said, “I never miss, Zaeed.”

A hand clamped firmly around her ankle and she heard Jack grunt, “I’ve got you, Shepard,” as her armor scraped the platform. As soon as Zaeed could grasp the platform, he released her and climbed up. She and Jack went sprawling back and they’d just gained their feet when the platform began to careen out of control. 

She woke up on her back an unknown amount of time later. Joker’s voice was urgent in her ear and told her they were out of time. Jack helped her lift the slab off of Zaeed and then they were running with Harbinger’s voice echoing around them. All three of them were spent. Their muscles screamed in protest. The air burned their lungs as it ripped into and out of their bodies. She felt as if she were running through quicksand and every step was a battle. Still, they ran. 

They ran past the point of endurance, past the point of strength, until they were moving on nothing more than sheer will carried by limbs that had turned to lead and tried harder to drag them down than carry them forward. She felt the pursuing Collectors’ particle beams burn through her armor and into the skin on her back as she pushed the other two on ahead. Then the _Normandy_ swept in with Joker of all people holding a damn assault rifle and proving that he was still a soldier even with bones of glass. The look on his face was downright feral and she could all but hear him snarling that he was _not_ going to let these assholes take her down again. She’d have smiled at the image if she had the energy. As it was, it was everything she could do to simply put one foot in front of the other. 

When the tremors knocked another slab loose and it broke off the platform in front of her, she knew the moment her foot left the ground that she didn’t have enough left in reserve to make it. The ship was too far away. She was going to fall. Her hand made contact with the edge of the airlock but her glove didn’t allow enough grip and she felt it slip. Her dislocated shoulder didn’t allow her to swing her other arm up and she closed her eyes in acceptance of the end. Her crew was safe. That was all that mattered. She’d accomplished what she’d been brought back to do. The mission was a success. She wasn’t afraid to die. Then a hand closed around her wrist and she looked up to see a pair of mismatched eyes set in a grimly determined face. Zaeed pulled her in as Joker and Jack held off the Collectors. 

He caught her as she tumbled into the ship and then the four of them were limping toward the cockpit. Zaeed’s arm was around her waist, holding her up, and Jack shot her a look full of fear and hope as Joker dove into his seat with agility driven by desperation as his hands flew over the interface. Shepard reached out and Jack’s hand grabbed hers. The trio held onto each other as the relay flew into view and began to glow its menacing orange. They didn’t release their hold until EDI announced that they had cleared the relay and were in the Sahrabarik system with no pursuers. Shepard ordered Joker to set course for Omega for repairs and then passed out.


	4. Chapter 4

“To big goddamn heroes!” Shepard toasted as she raised a glass that was surprisingly clean for an Omega bar and shot him a grin. Her arm was still in a sling and while her cybernetics had worked wonders on healing her burns and punctures, neither they nor medigel much for the colorful bruises that mottled her face and exposed, almost delicately scarred skin. 

They’d made it through the relay and blown the goddamn Collector base to hell. When she’d come to afterward, she’d told the Illusive Man to fuck right the fuck off and taken the goddamn ship and crew without a backward glance. Even the ice bitch had chosen to stay with her rather than returning to Cerberus when given the opportunity. Jacob had informed her that he planned to catch a ride to Earth from Omega but he was the only one who’d left and all Zaeed could think was good fucking riddance. Dead weight is what that one was. 

Now they were in Afterlife at Aria’s insistence. They’d been suspicious of their welcome at first but the pirate queen of Omega had pointed out that the Collectors had been using her station and that by destroying their base, they’d helped protect her station. Aria loved Omega like he loved Jessie. The _Normandy_ crew were goddamn royalty, at least at the moment. Aria had arranged for a repair crew for the ship and had closed off the VIP section of the club for the crew. She’d handpicked the bartenders and dancers and announced that their bill was on her. Thus, the crew was nicely hammered with the exception of Shepard herself. She was still suspicious and unwilling to leave her crew unprotected. She was drinking, sure, but she’d been pacing herself and he’d drunk with her enough times by now to know that it took far more than what she’d taken in to even get her buzzed. She could drink Grunt under the table when she wanted to.

It was time for Zaeed to decide if he was going to stay or go. The mission he’d been hired for was over. He could remain on Omega and resume bounty hunting with ease. Shepard would be returning to the Alliance soon. Hell, as soon as the repairs were done and she’d healed up from her injuries, she was going to the Bahak system as a favor to one of the admirals she used to know. Zaeed didn’t like the idea of her going into a goddamn batarian prison alone but that’s how the admiral wanted it and he’d apparently stood between her and her own imprisonment so she couldn’t exactly say no. There was no need for him to stick around for that assignment. He couldn’t help her on it and he’d be losing money in doing so. However, he was man enough to admit that he’d just worry about her knowing she was out there facing down the batarians alone and here on Omega he might not find out for weeks if she was all right or not. Besides, she might need backup. Money was a sorry fucking excuse. He had plenty and, even if he didn’t, he owed her more than he could ever repay. He owed her his goddamn life.

He could still see the look of determination and fear on her face as she threw herself after him. She hadn’t had the goddamn sense to be afraid for herself. No, for some fucking reason, she’d been afraid for his sorry arse. It wasn’t that he wasn’t grateful to her for it. He was. That would have been a bad way to go. If the goddamn Reaper had taken him out, that would have been acceptable. Falling to his death after surviving everything else would have just been fucking insulting. But no sooner had his feet come out from beneath him than she’d been diving after him like a goddamn angel. The strangest thing had been just how much he’d trusted her to catch him even when he’d gone plummeting out over empty space. 

Even so, his life had flashed before his eyes and he’d been disappointed when he’d realized what a goddamn waste it had been. Twenty years he’d thrown away on a quest for vengeance. Two fucking decades of anesthetizing rage in which he’d squandered the best goddamn years of his life. Those were years that he could have used to have a wife rather than a string of whores and unfaithful lovers, maybe even a house on some garden world with kids playing in the yard. He hadn’t wanted that when he was young and fucking stupid and then he’d been too consumed by anger and hate for anything that soft. Now it was too goddamn late. It was the end of the fucking world and he was goddamn old besides. He’d wasted his fucking life and it had taken meeting Shepard to make him see it. He didn’t know if he wanted to kiss her or kill her for it.

She appeared at his elbow as if he’d summoned her. “You’re scowling,” she said. “You should be celebrating.”

“Don’t see you cutting loose,” he growled. 

She shrugged. “Someone has to drive you all home.”

“And of course it’s got to be you. Goddamn savior of the galaxy. Who saves you, Shepard?” he asked.

“You,” she answered. “All of you, actually, but I wouldn’t have made it off that base if it weren’t for you.”

“Yeah, well, someone had to and I was just returning the favor, wasn’t I?” he said, leaning back against the bar. 

“No one gets left behind,” she said firmly. 

“Still bothers you, eh?” he asked.

“Which one?” she replied. “Akuze? Eden Prime? Virmire? Alchera? I guess it doesn’t matter which. The answer’s still the same. You know, this is the first mission I’ve led where no one died. It’s…nice to finally have a victory that actually feels like a win. So…are you staying or going?”

“What do you want?” he asked. No sense in agreeing to stay if she’d rather he take his sorry arse off her ship.

She passed her glass from one hand to another and didn’t look at him as she said, “You can stay. If you want.”

“That’s not what I asked,” he pointed out.

She fidgeted some more before saying carefully, “I’ve liked having you in the crew.” She looked at him then. “Zorya was…fucked up. Don’t ever do that again. If you can agree to that, I’d like it if you stayed.”

He nodded. “Done. I won’t lie to you, Shepard. And I’ll try not to put you in a place where you’ve got to choose between me and your bloody morals again.”

She laughed bitterly. “Only you would look at me and see morality.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, taking another drink of his scotch.

“I’m no paragon,” she said.

“Look, Shepard, your moral compass may be a few degrees off but it still points north. You didn’t give in to the Illusive Man. You’re a bloody girl scout when an innocent is in trouble. Half of what that damn drell says goes straight over my head but he got one thing right when he said that men should be loyal to their friends and dangerous to their enemies. That goes for women, too, and there ain’t a person alive who embodies that principle more than you. He might be right as well when he says that enemies and egos aren’t as important as friends and loved ones and you fit that one, too. If Zorya had been your mission, if you’d been the one going after Vido, you’d have let him get away to save those people and you wouldn’t have thought twice about it. So why’d you help me?”

“Math,” she said. “I needed you devoted to the mission. If we failed because you were too busy seething over old grudges to focus, then a lot more people would have died than did in that refinery. That doesn’t make it any easier. I still hear them screaming.”

“So do I, if it’s any consolation,” he admitted. “I should’ve gone with you to save them. I should have said fuck Vido a long time ago.”

“Ah,” she said. “And now we get to the reason why you’re scowling.”

“I wasted half my life running around after him,” he said.

She crossed her arms over her chest and said unsympathetically, “I guess it’s a good thing you’ve got another century left if you start taking better care of yourself. So what are you going to do with it?”

He grinned at her and said, “Well, I thought I’d start with being a big goddamned hero. I think we’ve got that part covered. Now it’s time to see what comes next.”


	5. Chapter 5

“The fuck you mean; you don’t know where she is?” Zaeed demanded.

Joker glared at him from the pilot’s seat and said, “I mean, she was supposed to meet us here at Arcturus Station and she hasn’t shown up. EDI can’t get a read on her omni-tool location.”

“Maybe she went back to Dr. Kenson’s base,” Tali suggested. The quarian’s face was impassive behind the mask but the strain in her voice and the way she was wringing her hands spoke to her worry.

“She would have told us,” Garrus insisted, clenching his talons. 

“Get Admiral goddamn Hackett on the fucking comm,” Zaeed ordered. He was going to have a word with the son of a bitch.

A few minutes later, Hackett appeared on the QEC to find Shepard’s crew waiting. “Zaeed,” he said, sounding vaguely surprised. “What the hell is going on? Kenson hasn’t reported in. Where’s Commander Shepard?” 

“That’s a good fucking question,” Zaeed growled. “She got out of that fucking hellhole you sent her to and then she disappeared. The hell were you thinking, sending her to a goddamn batarian prison, you sadistic bastard? You know as well as anyone else what happened to her on Mindoir and then you send her in to her worst fucking nightmare without a second thought?”

“It was necessary,” Hackett said, ignoring the shocked looks on the faces of her crew at the way that Zaeed spoke to him.

“Where the hell is this base where your goddamn operative was working?” Zaeed demanded. “Best we can figure, that’s where she is. We’re going to fucking find her and then you and I are going to have a long overdue conversation.”

“That’s classified,” Hackett replied automatically.

“Un-fucking-classify it,” Zaeed snarled coldly, “or I’ll board that goddamn station and take the location out your wrinkled arse.”

“I take it you two know each other?” Jack asked, crossing her arms over her chest in a manner reminiscent of Shepard’s typical stance.

“He’s my brother,” Zaeed said shortly. 

Miranda raised a perfect eyebrow and said, “Wouldn’t that give you the same last name?”

“We were split at birth. He stayed with Mum, got her last name. I stayed with Dad and got his,” Zaeed answered. “This is beside the fucking point. I want to know where Shepard is and I want to know right goddamn now.”

Hackett sighed deeply and said, “The base is on an asteroid in the Bahak system. You’ll have to scan for it.”

“Joker,” Garrus said.

“I heard,” Joker replied. “Setting course for the Bahak system.”

Zaeed turned to go when Hackett called his name. His fraternal twin looked at him intently through the comm device and said simply, “Get her back.”

“I fucking plan to,” he growled.

___

Two days. It had been two days since they last got word from Shepard. EDI had spent every minute since they’d arrived in the system scanning for the base without luck. The entire crew was on edge and tempers were beginning to fray. Garrus did his best to soothe the waters but they were all worried and eventually decided it would be easier if they all just stayed in their separate areas. Throwing his knives wasn’t good enough to distract him, so Zaeed went up to the bridge and installed himself in the armory. With Jacob gone, Garrus had been dividing his time between calibrating the ship’s guns and working on the crew’s weapons. 

Zaeed planted himself in the corner by the drive core with a datapad containing the manuals on Shepard’s beloved Phalanx and geth plasma shotgun even though Legion generally did maintenance on the latter. He glanced over the manual for the Mattock with a sneer. Some people swore by it but Zaeed thought there was nothing better than the M-8 Avenger for suppressive fire. His Jessie was the most reliable rifle ever created. Shepard’s Widow, now, that was a piece of art. He’d never met a vanguard who could double as an infiltrator before but she hadn’t hesitated to grab the Widow up on the Collector ship and he, Garrus, and Thane had worked with her until she was at least as good a sniper as they were though she still preferred being in the middle of the fray.

Thinking of Shepard in a firefight was both reassuring and concerning. She was a goddamn force of nature in a firefight. He wouldn’t have pegged her as a vanguard just looking at her. Too bloody small, he’d have thought. His heart had just about stopped the first time she’d charged a krogan battlemaster but the behemoth had fallen to her just like everything else she targeted. She was almost as reserved as Thane in her daily life but get her on the battlefield and all that pent up passion and fire came roaring into life. Watching her work was a thing of beauty to behold. Jack wasn’t the only destructive little bitch he could’ve used on a few missions. 

Shepard could read a field like no one he’d ever seen. She had an innate understanding of the flow a battle would take and could anticipate enemy movements even with enemies she wasn’t familiar with. Some people lost their heads when shit hit the fan. Shepard just gave that shit-eating grin and cracked her knuckles. Still, her fighting style worked better with a team to watch her back and pick off the enemies that tried to flank her while she was engaged forward. He knew she was an N7 and a goddamn Spectre and that she’d run missions alone before but she was used to a team now and he worried about how she was getting along on her own.

A flurry of activity outside the doors drew his attention and he tossed the datapad aside. His own weapons were down in his quarters but her secondaries were neatly displayed on one of the weapons benches and he grabbed the assault rifle she almost never used as he jogged toward the bridge. Joker was shouting something as the crew ran to their battle stations. Miranda stood in Shepard’s spot in front of the galaxy map and it would have seemed inherently wrong if it weren’t for the way her hands gripped the railing and the mask of resolve on her face. She might not be a favorite of the crew but she was goddamn loyal to Shepard and bound and fucking determined to get her commander back out of whatever hell she’d walked into now. The ice queen saw him, noted the weapon, and ordered him down to the shuttle bay. Mordin ran in beside him. The elevator stopped on the crew deck and Garrus, Thane, Samara, Legion, and Chakwas jumped in as well. Another stop at engineering picked up Jack, Tali, and Grunt. All of them, including the doctor, were armed and ready for whatever shitstorm they were flying into. 

The shuttle bay door was already down and he caught a look at the glowing relay looming far too close before Joker turned the ship and brought into view the massive asteroid hurtling toward it. The team lined up at the entrance with weapons at the ready. Thane, Jack, and Samara glowed from their biotics. He viewed the field behind Shepard and wasn’t surprised to find it littered with dead bodies. Nothing moved but the commander running toward them and the dust flying from the rock like a sandstorm in the desert. She waved her arms and they parted to make room as she charged into the shuttle bay. 

“Go, Joker! Get us out of here!” she shouted as they piled into the lift behind her. She didn’t seem to even see them or to notice Chakwas and Mordin scanning her with their omni-tools and saying something about sedatives. She blocked their attempts to stop the lift at the crew deck and ran off of the lift at the bridge. Miranda stepped aside as Shepard threw herself up the stairs and stared at the galaxy map like it held the answers to the whole goddamn universe. Her team looked at each other curiously and shrugged. 

They jumped through the relay and a moment later, Shepard shouted, “Fuck! _Damn_ it! God fucking damn it!” There was anger there, sure, but anguish was what he heard most clearly. She pulled her helmet off and threw it across the CIC in an uncharacteristic show of temper before hanging her head and muttering, “Fucking goddamn indoctrinated bitch!” Her crew looked at each other with wide eyes. Shepard was a soldier. She could curse with the best of them. But it wasn’t a regular part of her vocabulary the way it was Zaeed’s or Jack’s and it was rare that her speech contained more expletives than regular words and it made him wonder what the hell had happened to her on that fucking rock. 

“Look,” Thane said quietly, gesturing toward the galaxy map. “The Bahak system.”

“What about it?” Jack asked.

“It is no longer there,” Thane answered. 

“I’ll be goddamned,” Zaeed muttered, realizing the drell was right. The system had gone red and then blinked out completely. He remembered the relay, the asteroid, her rush bordering on panicked urgency. Shepard never would have given up and called for extraction if she had been trying to stop the rock. Even if it seemed hopeless, she’d have stayed and kept trying until the damned thing crashed. That meant that she had meant for it to happen. Either she’d deliberately sent the asteroid into the relay herself or she’d let it go. And that meant…the missing system took on a whole new significance. She’d just committed goddamn genocide. 

Dr. Chakwas caught her as she collapsed and Garrus picked the commander up and cradled her to his chest like a child as Chakwas and Mordin flanked him. Zaeed and the rest of the crew followed them down to the crew deck and into the med bay but the doctors ordered them out and shuttered the windows. They took seats in the mess hall to wait. Jack jumped up onto the counter and rested her chin thoughtfully on a knee as one booted foot swung. Garrus and Grunt took up positions on either side of the med bay doors. Samara sat cross-legged at the top of the stairs leading to the main battery. Thane sat at the table and clasped his hands. Legion had gone through to the AI core. Tali wrung her hands and Kasumi uncloaked behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. Zaeed paced. A moment later, Miranda joined them.

“Did she really just kill a third of a million people?” Kasumi asked no one in particular.

“It would appear so,” Miranda answered, rubbing her forehead. 

Thane said, “The question is, why?”

“She wouldn’t do something like that without a good fucking reason,” Jack said.

“We know,” Tali said firmly. 

Miranda looked around to ensure that they were alone on the deck and said reluctantly, “As we were leaving the Viper Nebula through the relay, EDI’s scans picked up something entering on the other side.”

“What?” Zaeed asked, though he thought they could all guess the answer. There was only one thing that would convince Shepard to sacrifice that many lives.

“Reapers,” EDI answered and if an AI could feel, he would have sworn there was a mix of fear and awe in her synthetic voice as she added, “Thousands of them. They are in the Milky Way galaxy. Had Shepard not destroyed the relay, they likely would have used it to spread across the galaxy in a matter of moments. We would have been hit without warning or preparation.”

Garrus scowled and said, “We’d have been prepared if people had just listened to her two damn years ago.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Jack said, straightening. “You mean the Reapers are _here_? In the galaxy? Just making their way toward a relay so that they can pour through and fucking harvest us? How much time do we have?”

“Depending on whether the FTL speeds I measured were on the lower or higher end of their range, I estimate that they will reach the next available relay in a few months to a year,” EDI answered. “Given that they were most likely aware of Shepard’s activities and attempting to reach the one that was destroyed before it was closed to them, I believe it is safe to assume that they were moving as swiftly as possible. Whether they will maintain that speed during travel is unknown. I think it would be wise to be prepared for the invasion within the next six months.”

“Six months?” Garrus said, mandibles splayed in horror. “That’s all? But we’ve been trying to convince the Council for years and they have denied the threat’s existence. Our people have been told that the Reapers don’t exist. How the hell can we convince them and prepare for this in only six months?”

“What’s the nearest system with a relay?” Zaeed asked.

“Kite’s Nest,” EDI answered immediately. “That relay connects to the Exodus Cluster. From there, they can hit Arcturus Stream and the Local Cluster, Hades Gamma, or the Horsehead Nebula. Their most likely course of action will be to hit the homeworlds first and disable our defenses. The humans and turians have the strongest militaries in the galaxy, so Earth and Palaven will likely be among the first to be attacked.”

“Spirits,” Garrus gasped as everyone looked between him and the humans. 

“So what do we do?” Tali asked.

“You go home,” Shepard answered from the doorway. “You all go home and find a way to make our people listen. Meanwhile, I will go to the Council and if I have to beat the truth into them, I will.”

“Shepard,” Mordin said sharply, “back in bed.”

“I don’t have time to lie around,” she snapped.

“No good to anyone if you’re dead,” he argued. “Suffered major injuries. Need surgery.”

“Go,” Miranda said. “We’ll head for the Citadel.”

Joker came over the comm and said, “Ah, Commander, Admiral Hackett is on his way.”


	6. Chapter 6

Zaeed crossed his arms and scowled. He could barely believe what he was hearing. Cerberus had contacted him with a job offer and he’d responded out of curiosity. Clearly, the Illusive Man had sadly misjudged him. Zaeed Massani had a reputation as a loner who took on impossible jobs and for not giving a shit what they entailed as long as the credits were good. Apparently, that was the only part that Cerberus had decided to focus on because they’d missed the mark entirely on this one. He was a loner because his line of work generally led him to people who’d kill their own mothers for the right amount of money. Friendships among mercenaries were mercurial things. 

Zaeed didn’t have enough true friends to be able to afford to lose the few he did and he certainly wouldn’t turn on them and use their trust in him to harm them. The Illusive Bastard was crazier than he looked if he thought Zaeed Massani was stupid enough or greedy enough or disloyal enough to go after Commander Fucking Shepard or Miranda Lawson. Even if Shepard wasn’t surrounded by Alliance guards, he wouldn’t harm a hair on her pretty little head and he’d die protecting her. He might not like Lawson but he remembered the fire in her eyes when they’d gone after Shepard on that damn asteroid. She was Shepard’s friend and that was good enough for him. His answer of “Hell no,” was punctuated in blood as he singlehandedly destroyed the Cerberus cell that had contacted him with the offer.

It wasn’t enough, though. If the saying, ‘the enemy of my enemy is my friend,’ was true then so was the corollary. The enemy of his friend was his enemy and Cerberus had made a big goddamn mistake in making him their enemy. When Shepard got free—and he had no doubt that she would once hell showed up at their door—she was going to need to be able to focus on the Reapers, not distracted by dealing with Cerberus. He couldn’t do anything to help the galaxy prepare for the invasion, but he could help Shepard and he was going to do everything in his power to even the odds for her a bit. He started taking on jobs that went after Cerberus. No matter what the actual mission was, he left no one alive. Cerberus would rue the fucking day they put a target on his girl’s back. 

He didn’t know just when he’d started thinking of Shepard as his girl. It was goddamn stupid and he knew it. She was the savior of the fucking galaxy and too damn good for the likes of him. She deserved someone like Garrus Vakarian who’d stood by her through thick and thin for years and who had something more to offer her than a wasted fucking life and a shitload of unused credits she wouldn’t give a damn about. Shepard and Vakarian were both too daft to see what they had in front of them, though, and instead of goddamn soul mates they were more like siblings. Zaeed might be grateful for that if he had a snowball’s chance in hell to be with her but he knew that wasn’t going to fucking happen. Shepard’s goddamn lapdogs had ripped her fucking heart out and left it mauled on the floor behind them. The soldier didn’t give a damn. The woman was fucking broken. 

He wasn’t blind in both damn eyes, after all. He’d seen her that day. He’d watched on the monitors, feeling like a bloody voyeur, as Jacob tore into her for the unforgivable crime of trying to help him and then a few minutes later standing outside of her cabin as her heart broke. He’d wanted to go to her and pull her into his arms but he had no business doing shit like that. He knew that Tali or Chambers would have readily offered sympathy but that hadn’t been what she needed so he’d gone down into Jack’s little pit, tossed her the bottle of his favorite whiskey and her pistol, and sent her abovedecks after giving Shepard a few minutes to have a little cry. He assumed she’d cried, at least. Nothing wrong with that. In his experience, dames always cried when they got their heart broken and Shepard might be a hell of a soldier but she was a woman, too, even if most people did forget that. 

He thought Alenko and Taylor were goddamn fools. Alenko, at least, had been right to be suspicious about Cerberus though he should have known better than to mistrust her. Taylor had no excuse. Zaeed had watched as the little fucker had jerked her around like a puppet on a damn string. One day, he’d be supportive and telling her how much he cared about her and the next he’d be insistent that she was pushing and playing games and trying to manipulate him, which was the biggest load of bullshit Zaeed had ever heard. Shepard didn’t fucking play games and she didn’t stoop to manipulation. She didn’t need to. She’d just shove your arse out the airlock. She was the most honest person he’d ever met in his damn life and manipulation was another form of lying. 

She had class, he had to give her that. Shepard wasn’t just a woman. She was a goddamn lady. For all of Taylor’s accusations of drama, she hadn’t created a single bit of it. She hadn’t yelled or cried or shot him or begged. She’d drawn her dignity about her like a queen’s goddamn cloak, squared those shoulders that had borne far too much already, chinned up, and walked out of there without a backward glance. Only once she was alone did she let her feelings show and, after, she never once said a negative thing about the bloody pyjak and she’d refused to send him on a job he’d volunteered for that she’d known as well as anyone would have gotten him killed and no one could have said a damn word against her for it. When they’d departed Omega and left Taylor behind, she’d shaken his hand, thanked him for his help, and returned his salute like a goddamn professional. If she stopped by the lounge for a bottle of whiskey on her way up to her cabin, that was nobody’s goddamn business but hers and if there was a coldness born of pain behind her eyes after that, people respected her enough not to bloody mention it.

___

The Reapers invaded almost six months to the day from when Shepard had turned herself in to the Alliance. He was on a no-name backwater planet out in the Terminus when it happened and didn’t find out about it until he docked on Omega. Aria T’Loak herself sent her new assistant, a batarian named Bray, to tell him she’d gotten word that Shepard and the _Normandy_ had made it out. It was another day before he realized just how fucking close it had been when he heard that the Alliance headquarters where she’d been had taken a direct hit. He went to the Citadel in hopes of finding her but she’d already been and gone. There were rumors she was going to be hosting a war summit between the races. 

She’d apparently allowed a goddamn reporter on the ship and he recognized his quarters on _Battlespace_ a few nights later. A fucking reporter in his bloody quarters. Still, it was a way to get news of her and he was reassured to see that she looked strained but altogether no worse for wear after her escape from Earth and stop on Menae to rescue the turian Primarch. He watched every episode religiously. Uniting the krogan and turians seemed an impossible goal but if anyone could do it, it was Shepard.

He was drinking in Purgatory when a familiar drell slipped into the seat beside him. “I had heard a rumor you were on the station, Massani,” Thane said before a wracking cough seized him. “I thought you would like to know that I have seen Shepard. She is well. Garrus, Mordin, and Liara are with her. Major Alenko was wounded on Mars and is now at Huerta Memorial.” 

“Good,” Zaeed grumbled. “So where the hell is Shepard?”

“She is on her way back to Tuchanka. She said that Dr. Solus has discovered a cure for the genophage using the research data from his assistant’s experiments. A cure was Urdnot Wrex’ condition for an alliance.”

“She’s going to cure the goddamn genophage? Stubborn bitch just doesn’t know the meaning of the word impossible, does she?”

Thane’s lips quirked into a smile at that and he said, “No, I don’t believe she does. Be well, Zaeed Massani. We will meet again.”

They didn’t, though. Zaeed was chasing down a lead on a volus ambassador with ties to Cerberus when the coup attempt happened. He heard a report afterward that a drell had been killed saving the life of the salarian councilor. _Rest well, my friend,_ he thought, remembering their fight together on the Collector base. Whoever killed him must have been a hell of a fighter to take down the drell. 

That, admittedly, didn’t bother him as much as the coup itself. It made no sense to him. If their only goal had been to kill the Council, then they’d have been much more likely to succeed by simply sending an assassin or a team of them than by a full-blown invasion. What could they have hoped to gain? Sure, it would throw things into disarray for a while, but the Council would have been replaced. Using Udina was goddamn stupid. The man was a slimy bastard, that was for sure, but he wasn’t smart enough to get away with it even if he’d succeeded and when he was caught, humans would likely lose their spot on the Council altogether. Cerberus hadn’t sent enough men to fight off the force that would have come at them and couldn’t have hoped to hold the station for long. No, a successful coup wasn’t their purpose. It might have been a bonus but it wasn’t their ultimate goal. The Illusive Man had to have known that Shepard would come. Of course she’d fucking come. Cerberus had made sure of it and they’d had a goddamn army waiting for her but it would take more than an army to take Shepard down. 

Hell, she’d singlehandedly held off over half of the soldiers on that damned Project base before that fucking artifact had disabled her and she’d taken out all of the rest who hadn’t run after being knocked out for two days and had god only knew what done to her in the meantime. Mordin and Chakwas had been notably silent about the extent of her injuries afterward. The thought of those damn soldiers with their grubby fucking hands on her made him see red. He knew what happened to women who were captured by an enemy comprised primarily of men. He’d never done it himself but he’d seen it happen. The possibility of that being done to his girl made him sick. 

He and his team captured the volus, Din Korlack, and held him in an apartment while they waited for the credits to come through. He didn’t give a damn about the goddamn money but his compatriots did. He just wanted to shoot the traitorous bastard. Then Korlack mentioned Shepard. That caught his attention. Shepard didn’t care for volus in general and wouldn’t be helping the damn mole if she believed he was actually working for Cerberus. That meant his intel was wrong. He wasn’t above killing someone who needed killing but murdering an ambassador for no good reason was an entirely different thing. By the time Shepard showed up, he’d taken out the other mercs and the mole was cowering in a corner. Zaeed tried to hide the way his good eye drank in the sight of her by assuming a nonchalant posture. It had been almost a year since he’d seen her in person. There were new lines in her face and the dark circles under her eyes and the way her cheekbones protruded further than normal told him she wasn’t eating or sleeping enough. She was whole, though, and her personality was still as forceful as before even if she did have shadows behind her eyes that made him think the things they’d seen on the Collector base had simply been a preview of hell rather than hell itself. 

He wanted to stay but C-Sec was on its way and he certainly didn’t want to get hemmed up answering goddamn questions about a bunch of dead mercs. Shepard was a Spectre. She could get away with that kind of shit. Still, walking away from her was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. He could only hope that she’d come find him later and damned if he was going to let her go back out there without him if she did. He might not have a snowball’s chance in hell of her ever actually being his girl but he was going to protect her all the same.


	7. Chapter 7

He was keeping an eye on Ghorek when she came. She gave him a nod and went into the shipping container with the batarian after dismissing the turian nurse. Zaeed didn’t interfere but he did keep his hand on his pistol while the terrorist railed at her for destroying Aratoht. He didn’t know whether to be surprised or not when Shepard cut off his life support and couldn’t quite figure whether she thought it was mercy or justice. Either way, he agreed with the move. Medical supplies were thin enough as it was and there were too many decent fucking people who needed them to waste any on scum like him. 

The goddamn batarians seemed to think she’d blown up that relay just to harm them. They just loved to play the perpetual bloody victims since the Council had refused to make an exception to the anti-slavery laws for them and never mind that they brought most of their trouble on themselves. They hadn’t seen her damn face when that bloody system had blinked out on the galaxy map. They hadn’t snuck into her cabin in the middle of the damn night to pick her up out of the shower, dry her off, and put her to bed when she’d passed out in there after beating her fists bloody on the damn wall. She hadn’t just broken her damn knuckles. She’d pulverized them. When Zaeed had asked what she’d done, EDI had replied that she’d hit the bulkhead three hundred four thousand, nine hundred and forty-two times. Jack told him she’d tattooed the number over her heart. She could say all she wanted that the Reapers or Kenson killed those people but her crew knew that she blamed herself. Sometimes, Zaeed thought Shepard was too goddamn good for this fucked up world.

She leaned up beside him and crossed her arms. They made small talk about the war and what he’d been up to. He didn’t tell her that Cerberus had tried to hire him to kill her. He simply said that negotiations had gone badly on a job offer and made it about the Cerberus husks he'd seen. She knew they were gunning for her. She didn’t need to know how close to home they’d tried to strike. The last thing she needed now was to doubt any of her people. He wasn’t going to help the Illusive Bastard in his attempt at psychological torture. “Heard about Thane,” he said. “Hell of a thing he did. Hate that he died but it was how he’d wanted to go. Still, sure as shit ain’t easy to lose a friend like that.”

“I miss him,” she admitted. “I miss everybody. I’m glad Garrus is with me and it’s nice to have Liara back. It was good to see Wrex and Grunt and I’m thankful that Grunt’s going to make it. The new crew is damn good but it isn’t the same. I’ve walked in on that reporter, Allers, more than once looking for you after a mission and I still can’t get used to the observation lounges and the engineering subdeck being empty. Would you believe Jack is teaching kids now?”

Zaeed laughed. “Who the hell decided putting that crazy bitch with a group of kids was a good idea?”

“It was brilliant, actually,” she said quietly. “She’s getting to do for other kids what someone should have been there to do for her. She’ll fight to the death for them. It’s Miranda I’m worried about. Something’s going on with her and she won’t tell me what it is.”

Zaeed shrugged. “She’ll come through. She always does. She’s a survivor that one. So, miss me on your ship, eh?” he said more casually than he felt.

“I could sure use you, Zaeed,” she said. “I still haven’t found a third member of my team that feels right.”

“Can you boot that bitch out of my quarters?” he asked. “I ain’t sleeping in no damn crew quarters. Too many fucking people.”

She chuckled. “I’m afraid not, but I’m sure we can find somewhere for you.”

“Jack’s old spot will be good enough,” he said. “Dark and quiet works for me, too.”

“The lounge has a poker table now,” she said, “and real furniture.”

“Yeah, that just means I’ll have to deal with arseholes coming into my quarters to drink and fuck off,” he said. He leered at her. “You’ve got a big goddamn bed.”

“Right,” she drawled. “And you know that, how?”

“Who do you think dragged your sorry arse out of the shower that night?” he asked.

She blinked at him in surprise and said, “I assumed it was Kasumi.”

He shrugged again. “Thought you might need a drink. Went up to take it to you and EDI said you were passed out in the shower. I got her to let me in, put you to bed, and went back belowdecks.” He didn’t mention the time he’d spent on the side of her bed running his fingers through her hair to soothe the distressed sounds she’d been making in her sleep.

“Thanks,” she said softly. “Come on. Get your gear. We’re docked in bay D24.”

___

He wasn’t happy to find Major Alenko in the observation lounge. He’d planned on taking that room over for himself and didn’t like the idea of Alenko being on board at all. There was a goddamn Prothean in Grunt’s old space. The fucking reporter had his. Liara had taken over Miranda’s. Garrus, of course, was in the Main Battery. The armory had been moved and there were too many damn people in the shuttle bay. Mordin’s lab and the conference room had been converted into a war room. He eventually sought out Shepard and asked if she thought Thane would mind him bunking in his old quarters. He saw the flash of pain at the mention of the drell but she agreed. He set up his weapons in the space where Thane’s had once been and pulled his cot into the corner. The drell’s tea mug was still on the damn table and he moved it carefully over beside the bulkhead and thought that he should have gone to Jack’s old hidey-hole after all. It was like sharing the room with a damn ghost. Too many things were goddamn different. Cerberus had been bad enough but at least all of them had been there for Shepard and they’d been a damn sight more laid back than the soldiers that crawled the decks now. 

Being on this damn warship made him think too much about what might have been if things had been different. His father had been a mean drunk and Zaeed couldn’t for the life of him figure out why he’d decided to take one of the twins with him when he’d left their mum. Steven had stayed with her. Zaeed had gone with his dad. Dad had raised him around mercenary bands while Mum had died young and Steven had gone to some military school. While Zaeed was founding the Blue Suns, Steven was rising through the ranks in the Alliance. Zaeed got half his goddamn face blown off and lost everything. Steven got goddamn medals and promotions. Zaeed wasted his fucking life. Steven had made himself a hero. Well, he wasn’t the only one now. It may have taken him longer but Zaeed was a big goddamn hero himself. 

Besides, the fucking Alliance was too uptight for him. Too many uniforms and rules and regulations to follow. What goddamn business was it of theirs who fucked around with whom as long as they got the damn job done? Why the hell did Ensign Moore have to stop what he was fucking doing to salute Alenko when the damn major came onto the deck? At least Shepard didn’t waste people’s damn time like that. She didn’t give a shit if they saluted or flipped her off as long as they did their jobs and didn’t get in her fucking way. 

He was glad for Garrus even if the turian was more stressed than he’d been after Omega. Poor guy’d lost his home, his mum, didn’t know whether his dad and sister were alive much less if they were all right, and was expected to make calls that even Shepard struggled with. Shepard and Vakarian leaned harder on each other now than ever before. Zaeed thought that if either of them survived this goddamn war, it’d be because of the other. Their friendship was an entity all its own and Zaeed sometimes envied it. He’d never had that with anyone. The turian seemed happy to have him there, as well, and that made it feel more like home. He’d met the asari, Liara, a few times but still preferred Samara. Still, Liara seemed good for Shepard and he knew she meant a lot to her. Joker was still Joker. The doctor was still the doctor. EDI had a sweet new body and was as nosy as ever. He missed Jack and Grunt but Daniels and Donnelly still played a mean game of poker and that new guy, Vega, was a goddamn card shark. He’d seen him down in the docks a time or two and was beginning to suspect he lost down there on purpose. Alenko still didn’t trust Shepard but he’d at least quit being an arsehole to her and he had her back when they were in a fight. Shepard seemed to have gotten over him. She didn’t look hurt when she talked to him and frustration was the worst he saw when the major brought up Cerberus and even that was happening less often. All in all, it was different but it wasn't too bad.


	8. Chapter 8

She took Zaeed and Garrus to Gellix. They found Jacob outside of the facility with a bullet in his belly. Zaeed was just disappointed it wasn’t fatal, especially when the Cerberus scientist came rushing out to him. Shepard’s eyes narrowed and Zaeed could see the goddamn wheels turning in that brilliant mind of hers. The tumblers fell into place almost instantly. He was reminded again of what a goddamn lady she was when he saw her interactions with the bitch who unabashedly admitted to going after her boy. When the cunt had the nerve to tell Shepard not to try to get Jacob back, Shepard simply said, “I have no intention of trying. I’m here to get you and your people out,” and had begun working on doing just that. She was professional with Jacob but, while they were waiting for the scientists to finish prepping, she pulled him aside and Zaeed heard her ask, “So, Jacob, how long have you known Brynn?”

Jacob crossed his arms defensively and said, “About a year. Why?”

“And you said I was the one playing games,” she said with a shake of her head. “You’re a piece of work, Taylor, trying to turn things around so that I felt like I was the one doing something wrong. It seems the apple didn’t fall too far from the tree.”

“I suppose I deserve that,” Jacob said. “But weren’t you with Alenko?”

She raised an eyebrow and said, “I didn’t come onto you until after Horizon. Death is a pretty solid way to break up and I don’t know about you, but I typically take being called a traitor and threats to report me as such as a pretty clear sign the relationship is over. So, no, I wasn’t cheating on Alenko with you. If you’d really thought that, you would have said something considering that you had no difficulty doing so when you thought there was something going on with Garrus and me. I should focus on getting these people out of here.”

With that, she’d turned and left the room. Something on one of the tables caught her eye. “A poison geared toward turians,” she muttered. “Saved your life, Garrus,” she said as she tucked it into a compartment in her armor. 

“Yeah, well, you’re just making up for all those times when I pulled your ass out of the fire,” the turian said with a grin. “You all right?”

“I’m fine. Let’s just get these people onto the shuttles and get out of here,” she said. He knew women who’d have said fuck it and left them all to die but Shepard wasn’t like that. She wasn’t about to let innocents suffer because she didn’t like their leaders. She wasn’t quite friendly with Dr. Cole and Jacob but she wasn’t a bitch to them, either. Goddamn lady, that’s what she was.

Later that night, Zaeed heard the lift stop outside of his quarters and Shepard’s familiar footsteps. She paused outside of his door but then turned and walked in the direction of the lounge. He grumbled a curse and pulled on a shirt before going barefoot in the direction she’d taken. He found her sitting at the bar with something that smelled like ryncol in a glass. She didn’t look up and he poured one of his own before taking the seat beside her. “Rough day, Shepard?” he asked.

“You could say that,” she said. “Could be worse, though. At least I didn’t murder three hundred thousand people. Did you know he was cheating on me?”

Zaeed tossed back his drink and rolled his shoulders. He didn’t want to have this conversation. Still, he couldn’t lie to her. “Yeah.”

“Did everyone?” she asked.

He sighed and said, “I think they all suspected it. We didn’t want to distract you from the mission. Figured it wouldn’t matter if we all died and could be dealt with after if we didn’t. The general consensus was that you’d agree with us.”

“I do,” she said. “Would have been nice to know after the mission, though.”

“Why?” he asked. “What the hell good would it have done then? He’d already shown his arse. No point in hurting you more.”

“I don’t know,” she said on a sigh. “I guess my ego is a little bruised. I’d suspected it but I attributed his behavior to that crap with his dad or stress of the mission or a hundred other excuses. I’ve never let a man do that to me before. I can’t figure out why I allowed it with him. I should have ended it the first time he told me to leave the drama to the Collectors when I was just making my damn rounds like I do after every fucking mission with every crew I’ve ever had. He knew that. So why did he say it?” Zaeed poured himself another shot and winced as she refilled her ryncol. She saw it and said, “Don’t worry. It takes at least four of these to even get me tipsy, much less drunk, and this is only my second. You should know I’m not a damn drunk. I can’t afford to be even if I wanted to.”

“First,” Zaeed growled, “I wasn’t fucking judging you. Forgot you drink like a damn krogan with all those cybernetics. Second, Jacob Taylor isn’t a man. He’s a goddamn boy just like that major of yours and probably all the rest of the damn lapdogs you seem to like so much. Games are for children. Men don’t need to play them. Third, he said it because he knew it was going to make you wonder what you’d done wrong and if you felt like shit then he had the upper hand. Miranda said he pulled the same shit with her when the Illusive Man promoted her over him. He’s a misogynistic bastard. Doesn’t have a problem with a woman in charge of the mission but can’t handle not being in control of the relationship or of having a partner with more power than him. Dumb bastard.”

“What’s wrong with being equals?” she asked. “I get tired of having to be the one to make all of the decisions all of the time. That’s where partnership comes in.”

“There’s no such thing as equal partnerships,” he said. “Equitable, sure, but not equal and especially when one of them is a bloody hero tasked with saving the galaxy.”

She chuckled and said, “I wouldn’t have pegged you for the submissive type, Zaeed.”

“I’m not,” he said. “I just think it’s fucking hot when a powerful woman decides to give over control. Much better than trying to take it from her. Don’t mean shit if you’re so low you’ve got to tear her down to get to it.” 

“I’ve never met anyone like you, Zaeed,” she said as she finished her drink. To his complete and utter shock, she leaned over and kissed his scarred cheek. “Don’t ever change.” He was still trying to process what had happened when he heard the elevator begin to rise. She’d fucking kissed him. Like it was goddamn nothing. Like it was the most natural fucking thing in the goddamn world. 

___

“You’re an idiot, Shepard,” she told herself as she went into her cabin. She should have learned her lesson by now. Getting involved with her crew on anything other than a friendly basis was a bad idea. She had no business noticing how handsome the unmarred side of his face was or thinking about how the scars on the other side meant the same things as the fading ones on hers. It was one thing to feel a kinship with him as they’d both survived something that should have left them permanently dead but thinking about him in the middle of the night was another thing entirely. That his voice had been the one that she’d found herself missing just as much as Garrus and Jack while she’d been locked up was acceptable. That she’d imagined it saying things that would have made an asari dancer on Omega blush was not. 

She just needed to get laid. A few weeks with Kaidan and a handful of nights with Jacob in three years was simply not enough. She wasn’t promiscuous. She didn’t just sleep around. She didn’t really do relationships, either, the last two disasters notwithstanding. That didn’t mean she was a nun, though. She had needs like everyone else and she got those needs met when she was able. Hell, she’d even been with Nihlus back in the beginning. That had been…interesting. And fun. Fun enough to have her looking at Victus while he’d been aboard in a way that was probably not appropriate. But then he’d lost his son and she’d been more concerned with making sure that the man who’d become her friend was supported than with getting her rocks off. 

Vega was cute and he sure as hell flirted enough but there was no heat in his eyes when he looked at her. Cortez was gorgeous and a genuinely good guy but she wasn’t his type as he preferred men and, even if she was, she respected him too much to think of him in that way. Garrus was handsome in his way but she wasn’t his type, either. He preferred his women more turian. Joker was like her brother and madly in love with EDI and too breakable besides. She wasn’t about to go there with Alenko. That was what had started the whole problem she was having now to begin with. He’d been cute and eager and it had fed her ego a bit to have him so clearly enamored with her. She wouldn’t say she’d been in love with him but she’d come to care about him until Horizon. She suspected he still had feelings for her but she was a fool me once kind of woman. She’d never trust him like that again, especially after the shit Jacob had pulled. 

Hell, she’d thought she would never trust anyone like that again. The stirrings within her that Zaeed was beginning to cause were dangerous. _He_ was dangerous. He wasn’t the staying kind of guy and she just couldn’t bring herself to picture him with a wife and kids and, if she survived this war, she wanted a family. She wanted someone who wouldn’t walk away. Zaeed Massani was not that guy, not by a long shot. Besides, she was fairly certain he preferred his women more asari. 

That ruled out anyone on her crew. She would never risk getting involved with one of the lower ranking guys. There were too many opportunities for what was left of her career to get ruined and she wouldn’t take that chance just for a roll in the hay. That meant she’d have to go off the ship. Unfortunately, Purgatory was full of soldiers. Omega was under Cerberus control—something she was going to have to help Aria fix sooner or later—and Ilium was too full of asari. Maybe she should find her way to the Dark Star down in the Wards. It wasn’t a military haunt and there were plenty of turians there if she wanted to go that route. It would have to wait, though, because they needed to get to the quarians. Kal’Reegar had a nice voice…but she was fairly certain that Tali had a thing for him and quarians weren’t known for indulging in flings. It was too dangerous for them. She’d just have to deal with it for now.


	9. Chapter 9

Zaeed stood in the airlock with Tali and listened to Shepard’s breathing through the open comm. Her voice was steady but he’d seen the deep breath she’d taken before stepping out into the battered docking tube. Beside him, Tali switched to a different channel so that Shepard couldn’t hear her and said, “I’m amazed she’s so calm.”

Joker said, “Yeah. Me, too. You didn’t see the bridge after the attack, Tali. It looked a lot like that tube. And that planet just hovering there like Alchera. She’s gotta be thinking about it.”

Zaeed said nothing but didn’t take his eyes off of her. If she went off that tube, he was going after her. He’d be fucked if she was going to get spaced alone again. He and Tali had both checked her seals three times as they were suiting up. The fact that she’d asked told him she was fucking scared off her goddamn arse. Yet there she was, walking through that goddamn tube like it was a fucking park on the Citadel. She was the bravest damn bitch he’d ever known. Bravery didn’t have shit to do with not being afraid. Anyone who said they weren’t fucking scared when death was hunting for them was full of shit. But there were two types of people. There were the ones who let that fear paralyze them and the ones who either shoved it down or used it to get the job done. That’s what fucking bravery was, being scared and doing what needed to be done anyway, and Shepard was goddamn brave. 

When the docking tube broke away with an eerily silent crash, he shouted her name and jumped forward but Tali grabbed him by the arm and pointed to where Shepard was teetering on the edge. She hadn’t gotten her balance yet but her mag boots were locked so she wasn’t about to go flying out into space. He breathed a sigh of relief. “You all right, Shepard?” he asked.

“Peachy,” she answered. “Looks like you guys are going to have to find another way in, though.”

They did and he couldn’t resist asking again when he had her in front of his face where he could see her eyes. She cocked her hip and replied, “Better now.” 

“Cheeky bitch,” he muttered as he climbed the ladder. His HUD told him her heart was racing. He didn’t blame it. 

The dreadnought was almost enjoyable at first and would have probably been downright fun if it hadn’t been for that damn gun. The pulses were too unpredictable and they had too little warning for her to risk a charge in there so they fought the old fashioned way. Tali helped by hacking the geth. Zaeed only had to pull Shepard back down into cover once. His heart almost stopped when the gun came back online and she dove through the doorway with only moments to spare and again when the lift tried to fall out from under her. He and Tali pulled her up and she shot him a grin. “Keep doing that, Massani, and I’m going to lose my fear of falling.”

“I’ll catch you, sweetheart,” he said, shaken enough to let it slip. To cover it, he winked at her and said, “Garrus’ arse isn’t as pretty as yours. Wouldn’t enjoy falling in behind him nearly as much if he had to take your place.”

“Wouldn’t it be Kaidan?” Tali asked. “He’s a Spectre, too, now.”

“Kaidan doesn’t have the relationships,” Shepard said. “He’s a good soldier but he’s not a leader and you and Garrus are the ones who’ve seen it all with me. We’re the ones people know and will follow.”

“Me?” Tali asked.

“Yes, you, _Admiral_ ,” Shepard said. “Welcome to respectability. You’ve earned it.”

“Heh,” Zaeed laughed. “Better you than me.” 

“You don’t get off that easy, Massani,” Shepard said.

“No, sweetheart, I don’t,” he said suggestively. She made it too damn easy, really.

Tali looked between him and Shepard and said, “Hmm. Interesting.”

“What?” Shepard asked.

“Oh, nothing,” Tali said innocently. Shepard was about to say something else when Admiral Raan came over the comm. 

Things moved quickly after that. They found Legion, unlocked it, and fought off a group of bloody primes before the fucking quarians decided that it would be a good idea to fire on the goddamn dreadnought with them still in it. He had another heart-stopping moment where he tried to push off Legion’s hand as Shepard was thrown from the ship but then she caught herself on one of the fighters and he relaxed a little. He decided that he definitely did not like watching Shepard risk her damn life. From the moment she’d thrown herself after him on the damn Collector base, something had changed in him. If she fell, he was damn well falling, too. 

They arranged themselves in the cargo hold of the fighter as Legion piloted them out. There wasn’t nearly enough room and his head was brushing the overhead but Shepard, who’d of course come in last, had dropped right down into his lap. She didn’t protest when he put a hand on her hip to steady her, so he pulled her a bit closer. Her face and voice were impassive but he could feel her trembling. There was no need to ask if she was all right now. She’d hold it together but she wasn’t fucking all right. There had been too many close calls on that goddamn ship where she’d had to face down some of her worst fucking nightmares—including the one that had killed her, twice. She wasn’t fucking okay. He growled and pulled her fully into him. The fact that she turned her face into his neck and let him wrap his arms around her told him just how shaken she was. She wouldn’t tolerate the embrace for long but, for a moment, she could damn well let go and accept some fucking comfort from her friends. Tali’s hand came to her shoulder and she brought her own up to grasp it. Legion ignored them.

“Shit,” Shepard muttered. “I’m all right. I just…shit. That was too damn close. I really don’t like your people, Tali.”

“I don’t like them much right now, either,” Tali said.

“Is it going to destroy our chances of an alliance if I punch Han’Gerrel in the balls and kick him off my ship?” she asked.

“No. You still have Raan, Koris, and me. You’ll have your fleet,” Tali said firmly.

Zaeed released Shepard when she stopped shaking. She held him for an instant longer and then drew back. “Thanks.”

“Any time,” he told her. 

“Docking with the _Normandy_ , Shepard-Commander. Requesting permission to come aboard,” Legion said. 

“Permission granted,” she said. “Come on, guys. Let’s go home.”


	10. Chapter 10

A week later, he was in Purgatory on the Citadel when Traynor and the rest of the crew dragged Shepard in and pushed her into a booth. Liara was carrying a goddamn cake of all things and Garrus waved him over. He slid in beside her and said, “What the hell is going on?”

“We’re celebrating Tali getting a homeworld,” Shepard said.

“No,” Tali said, “we’re celebrating your birthday. _And_ me getting a homeworld.”

“How did you find out it was my damn birthday anyway?” Shepard hissed. “Do you guys even celebrate birthdays or is that just a human thing?”

“I told ‘em,” Joker said. “EDI told me.”

The AI said, “Shepard, from what I understand, it is customary to celebrate the date of your birth with friends and family. As you consider your crew both, I felt it would be appropriate to invite them.”

“Quit bitching and enjoy the free drinks, Shepard,” Jack said, sliding across the table to claim the seat on the other side of her. 

Traynor brought out a deck of cards and suggested a drinking game in which the winner of the hand got to ask a question and the losers had to either answer or drink. Garrus won first. “Favorite weapon,” he said.

Shepard groaned. “Come on, Garrus. We all know that already. Wrex’ was the Sokolov shotgun. Mordin, Jacob, and Miranda liked the Carnifex. Ash’s was the Avenger.”

“Good taste, that one,” Zaeed said. “I’d have liked to meet her.”

Shepard ignored him and continued ticking them off, “Jack, Kaidan, Samara, and Liara’s are their biotics. EDI’s is the Paladin. Steve’s is the Trident. Zaeed’s is his Jessie. Thane’s were his bare hands. Kasumi’s is her omni-blade. Joker’s is the Thanix. Samantha’s is her brain. Grunt’s is the Claymore. Tali’s and mine is the Wraith. Legion’s was the original Widow. Yours is _my_ Black Widow. Javik’s is something from back in his cycle because all of ours are primitive. And Vega’s is his personality.”

“Damn, Lola, ouch!” Vega exclaimed.

Tali won the second hand. “First love,” she said. Garrus, Liara, and Shepard drank. Zaeed found that interesting.

He answered first. “Tristana. Hot little asari commando. Broke it off before she killed me.” Shepard snickered and he cut a glance at her. She knew the story. 

“Rahna,” Kaidan said. “A girl I met at Jump Zero.”

“Never been in love,” Jack said.

“Love is for the weak,” Javik said.

“Robert,” Cortez answered.

“Lola,” Vega said. “Not Shepard Lola but a different Lola.”

“You nicknamed me after your first love?” Shepard asked.

Vega shrugged. “You look like her.”

“Julie Solis,” Samantha said. “Kindergarten.”

“Jeff,” EDI said.

“Aww,” Joker said. “I love you, too, EDI. Unfortunately, I didn’t just gain awareness a year ago. Lindsey White. She was in my first flight class.”

“All right,” Samantha said when she won the third hand. “We’re not getting nearly drunk enough. Worst breakup.”

“Damn, girl,” Jack said as Garrus and Joker drank. “You trying to make us cry here?”

“What?” Samantha said. “No one’s had one recently, right?”

They all looked at Shepard and she rolled her eyes and said, “That wasn’t the worst. The worst was—”

“You know I’m sorry for that, right?” Kaidan jumped in.

“Not you, either,” Shepard said. “If you’ll all shut up, I’ll finish. Saren killed him.”

“Nihlus?” Liara, Garrus, Kaidan, and Joker all said at once. Shepard nodded. 

“Shit, Shepard,” Jack said. “You have worse luck than I do.”

Cortez said quietly, “Robert again. He died in a Collector attack.”

Tali said, “Kal’Reegar. He died helping the turians hold a comm tower.”

“What?” Shepard demanded. “I thought Kal was with the Fleet?”

“He didn’t support the war with the geth,” Tali said. “He left to fight the Reapers and took a team with him.”

“Damn it, honey,” Shepard said. “I’m so sorry. Kal was a good guy.”

“Hell of a soldier,” Garrus agreed.

“I’m so sorry,” Samantha said. “I didn’t realize…”

Vega said, “I found my last girlfriend in bed with my best friend.”

Zaeed said, “Could be worse. She could’ve tried to kill you. That was my worst. I killed her instead.”

“Tristana?” Shepard asked.

“Her, too,” he said. “Tristana, Shiara, Melara, Aria…didn’t kill her, though.”

“You dated Aria T’Loak?” Garrus asked.

“’Bout a decade ago. Didn’t last. Like I said, she tried to kill me.”

“Do all of your girlfriends try to kill you?” Tali asked.

“Nah,” he answered. “Ellie was hit by a skycar. Sweet little thing she was.”

“I think Zaeed wins this round,” Shepard said. 

“All right,” he said. “Favorite place and position to have sex.”

Samantha said, “Up against a wall, my leg over her shoulder.” The men fell silent for a moment after that and she said, “Stop picturing me naked with Shepard,” and Shepard snorted her drink out of her nose.

“Damn,” Zaeed said. “Where’s the fun in that? Come on, Shepard.”

“Nope,” she said. “I drank.”

Faces turned to Kaidan and he cleared his throat. “A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell.”

Jack rolled her eyes and said, “Come on, have you met her? Shepard likes to be on top.”

“I don’t know,” Vega said. “It’s always the most powerful ones who like to be on bottom.”

“I’ve always pictured it in the shower,” Samantha said and Shepard groaned and banged her forehead on the table.

“I imagine Shepard getting it on at our stations when we’re not there,” Tali said.

“The Mako,” Garrus said. “Never happened but, uh…ahem. Never mind.”

“I hate you all,” Shepard muttered into the tabletop.

Zaeed had clearly had too much to drink because he leaned over and whispered in her ear, “On your knees, hands tied to the headboard, blindfolded, with a handprint on your arse, begging as a real man takes his time about it.”

“Oh. Holy. Fuck,” she said and he chuckled.

“Any time, sweetheart.”

“The Kodiak,” Cortez said.

She lifted her head and glared at him. “Et tu, Brute? Damn traitor.” 

Javik said, “In my cycle, the Commander would have had her choice of males and any location or position she wished. We were drawn to power.” 

Vega said, “Hey, Liara, you know everything. What’s the answer?”

When Liara opened her mouth, Shepard glared at her and said, “Yahg.”

“No way,” Vega said. “Even you aren’t that hardcore.”

“She was reminding me that she helped me kill a yahg,” Liara said primly. “And I was about to say that I don’t seek out that kind of information about my friends. Although, I do imagine a certain…creative use of biotics being involved.”

At that, Kaidan flushed red and Vega laughed. “Damn, Lola. Getting freaky, huh? EDI, you see everything. Come on, tell us.”

“This conversation is over,” Shepard groaned. “Seriously, how many of you have pictured me having sex?” When they all looked guiltily away, she said, “Cortez? Really?”

The shuttle pilot shrugged and said, “I don’t want to have sex with you but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t curious.”

“Garrus?” she asked. 

He chuffed and hummed and rubbed the back of his neck. “You’re…you. You took down a Reaper on foot. That’s damn sexy, Shepard.”

“I am never speaking to any of you again,” Shepard said.

Zaeed leaned over and said quietly, “That’s all right, girlie. We don’t need to talk.”

She turned and hissed in his ear, “I swear to Christ, Massani, if you don’t stop using that damn voice of yours like that, I’m going to give you everything you’re asking for and more.”

“Let’s go, then,” he said. He’d been half teasing before. It was entertaining watching the unflappable Shepard get flustered. Now, though, he was goddamn serious. She glared at him and he slid a hand slowly up her leg under the table and watched as her eyes widened.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW

They managed to extract themselves from the party without being terribly conspicuous. Tali had taken pity on Shepard and asked for everyone’s most humiliating sexual experiences. The questions just got worse from there and almost everyone was drunk in short order. Zaeed had no qualms about sharing, so he was fairly sober and Shepard could drink a krogan under the table and sober up within an hour. It wasn’t alcohol that led them to her cabin on the _Normandy_. Zaeed didn’t have a goddamn clue why she’d picked him when almost her entire crew had just admitted to wanting to have sex with her but he wasn’t going to complain or question in case she changed her mind. 

As he’d expected, she immediately tried to take control and she was in a rush. Her hands flew to the clamps on his armor and stripped it quickly. He allowed it because he couldn’t imagine it being very comfortable for her otherwise but when she had him down to pants and a shirt, he turned the tables. Her back hit the fish tank with a quick exhale and then his hands were in her hair and on her hip as his mouth lowered to hers. She’d stiffened when he’d taken over but melted by degrees under his leisurely exploration. She tasted like whiskey and honey and something smokier that was all her. Her hands came to rest against his chest before sliding up over his shoulders and wrapping around his neck. When she pressed her body against his, his head spun. This was Commander fucking Shepard in his arms and she was kissing him back like it was the last thing she’d ever get to do. 

He kissed her thoroughly until her nails were digging into his shoulders and her thigh was clasped around his hip. The sounds coming from her grew increasingly desperate as she tried to get closer to him. He gave in to temptation and allowed his hand to slide around to cup that lush arse of hers and her hips rocked as if she expected him to fuck her right then and there. _Boys,_ he thought derisively. She was clearly accustomed to quick fucks with a minimum of foreplay and he’d be willing to bet that she thought her breasts and arse were the only erogenous zones on her body outside of that slick center of hers. He was going to show her differently. If he only got one night with her, he was going to make goddamn sure she remembered him for the rest of her fucking life. 

Her hands slid beneath his shirt and he was struck by just how very small they were. The way she held a rifle or a shotgun and the way he’d seen her beat a husk to death with nothing but her fists, he’d always imagined them being much larger. She was shorter than he’d remembered as well, he noted when he realized that she’d risen to her toes to kiss him. At a distance and in a fight, she was larger than fucking life. Out of her armor and up close like this, it was clear just how small she really was. Far too small to be carrying the burdens she did, far too small to be going up against the likes of husks and harvesters and goddamn Reapers, far too small to bear the weight of the galaxy on her own. The protective drive he’d been fighting kicked into full gear and he wanted nothing more than to keep her safe. 

He lifted her and carried her over to the bed. She seemed to expect him to drop her but instead he lowered her slowly. Her hands slid around to his back and she tugged at his shirt. “So goddamn impatient, Shepard. It’s your birthday. Just lie back and let me take care of you, sweetheart.”

“I don’t know how,” she admitted against his shoulder. 

“Just relax,” he said. “We’ve got all night and I plan to use every minute of it showing you what you’ve been missing.”

She shivered and he grinned against her ear. If she liked the sound of his voice, he could certainly indulge her. He started to slide her shirt up and she grabbed his hand. There was a vulnerability in her eyes that he didn’t expect. “It’s not…I’m not…I’m no asari,” she said. “I got the scars on my face taken care of but didn’t bother with the rest of my body. Jacob had already seen me looking much worse and after…well, there wasn’t anyone to care.”

He laughed roughly. “You’re really worried about scars with me, Shepard? I don’t give a shit about your about your piddling little scars. I’ve always thought you were the most goddamn beautiful woman in the world. I’m the one who should be worried.”

“I like your scars,” she said, tracing them with surprising care. “You’re a survivor. Like me. And they aren’t all ‘piddling little scars.’ Not all of my skin was unsalvageable. Old school skin and muscle grafts are surprisingly resilient.”

“Let me see,” he said and tugged her shirt off. She seemed to brace herself as she rolled onto her stomach. “Akuze?” he asked as he took in the marks across her back. The skin there was slick and shiny with divots where the maw acid had eaten further through to the muscle. He bent down and began feathering kisses across the scars. He didn’t know if she could feel it but it was the gesture that mattered. He got his answer when he reached a spot where unmarred skin began and she gasped. 

“Are you…? No one’s ever… People are generally either revolted or ignore it,” she said haltingly. 

“People are goddamn idiots,” he growled. “You should be proud of this. You survived. This is proof.”

“I can’t talk about Akuze,” she said. 

“Don’t want you to right now,” he told her. “Someday, though, you can if you want. For now, though,” he said, stretching himself out along her body, “what I want to hear is my name on your lips.”

She had dimples above her arse. He didn’t know what it was about that little fact that turned him on so hard but he thought it was damn sexy. She was beautiful, scars and all. Her body was a finely honed weapon, all hard muscle and sinew. The calluses on her hands from years of holding weapons stood in stark contrast to her silky, marred skin. He truly didn’t mind the webbing of scars that covered most of her and thought the faint glow from below them was unique. It made him imagine that there was fire burning inside of her and he said so. He wasn’t poetic. As much as he honestly did like to talk, words weren’t his forte. He did his best, though, to tell her just how fucking gorgeous she was, how strong and brave and smart and desirable he found her, how lucky he felt to be allowed to get near her. 

He showed her, too, and he knew he was better at that. His hands traced the lines of her body, gentle here, rougher here, nails here, a nip of his teeth there, a long, slow lick of his tongue just…there until she was clenching the sheets in her fists and flickering with blue lightning that tingled against his skin and the ozone scent of dark energy filled the air like rain. She called his name as he dipped his tongue into her, tasting her, and gripped her hips as her body bowed. His own body demanded that he bury himself inside of her and he wanted to, fuck how he wanted to, but age and experience had their benefits and two of those were self-control and patience. He wanted her to come undone.

God _damn_ that man knew what he was doing, Shepard thought as Zaeed’s tongue flicked lightly over her. She arched into him again and his forearm came down over her abdomen, pinning her to the bed and holding her still. She didn’t know how, exactly, he’d done it but he managed to control every bit of her body with nothing more than hands and words. She was entirely at his mercy in a way she’d never been with a lover before. She was generally the aggressor, the controller, and whichever one had said she preferred to be on top had been right. She always had before and they’d always let her. Even Nihlus had given her the reins, though he’d done so with an indulgent air that never let her forget that she was in charge only by his allowance. 

This, however, was different. Zaeed had effortlessly taken control though there wasn’t a doubt in her mind that he would stop the moment she told him to. Now, she was the one allowing it and he’d done so not by force or demand but by completely disarming her and then building her up until she wanted to do what he wanted, wanted to let him lead, wanted to follow and see where he chose to go because he was going to be right there with her. He ignited the spark and fanned the flames with his hands, his voice, his mouth, until she was burning inside. His words and touches were reverent one moment and raunchy the next and she had no idea where he was taking her, only that he was pushing her higher than she’d ever been. This wasn’t a quick fuck to get their rocks off. This wasn’t a casual blowing off of steam with Nihlus. This wasn’t Kaidan’s breathless adoration that made her feel like he thought her fragile. This wasn’t Jacob’s chance to get off with the savior of the Citadel. She didn’t know what it was. She only knew that if he stopped she would probably die. 

His grip shifted and he held her more firmly as his teeth closed lightly over her clit and he finally, finally, slid a finger inside of her. She bucked against him and shouted, “Oh, fuck, Zaeed!”

“That’s a girl,” he murmured, his voice vibrating against her as his breath bathed her heated skin. “There’s a good girl. Tell me what you want.” 

“You,” she gasped as he slid a second finger into her and began to move them in a way that had her body screaming for release. 

“How do you want me?” he asked and licked her again. 

Screw stopping. She was dying anyway. This was torture, absolute, exquisite torture. His reaction to her back gave her the courage to ask for something she’d avoided since Akuze. “On my knees,” she said. “From behind.”

“I was hoping you’d say that,” he growled and the cabin shifted as he flipped her and pulled her onto her knees. 

She felt his thumbs graze the dimples over her hips before he gave her ass a single sharp slap and his hot tongue dragged up the length of her spine. It was—where she could feel it—electrifying. His teeth locked over her shoulder and his hands slid up her arms to twine his fingers with hers as he pressed up against her. When she tried to rock back into him, he drew away slightly, reminding her that while he’d given her what she’d asked for, he was still in charge. She clenched his hands tightly and gasped, “Oh, god, Zaeed, please! Please, please, please…ohhh.”

He slid into her in a single thrust and she bit down on the pillow as she adjusted to his girth. “Christ, woman,” he said, “you’re tight as a goddamn fist.” It had been more than half a year since she’d been with anyone and she’d only been with Jacob a handful of times since her resurrection. He kissed a line up her neck and grazed her ear with his teeth. “Easy, sweetheart. Relax, love. That’s it. Good girl.” His thumb brushed over her knuckle as he slipped his hand out of hers and ran it down her body. She cried out when he began to stroke her with the light touches he’d discovered did more for her than firmer ones that overwhelmed the nerves and resulted in her actually feeling very little. This time, when she moved, he let her until she was formed around him rather than clasped too tightly. “Fuck,” he groaned, dropping his forehead to the back of her shoulder. The tightness of his hand on hers told her he was struggling for his own control. 

He found it and began to move. His pace was slow and steady at first and she met his thrusts, determined to make sure that he enjoyed this as much as she was. He seemed to sense that she was still in her own head, though, and grasped her hair to tilt her head so that he could give her another one of those mind-bending kisses with his skilled mouth. He adjusted his hips and then rolled them into her and her eyes rolled back as he hit a spot inside her that she hadn’t realized existed. Her resulting moan sounded wanton even to her own ears and seemed to spark something in him. His pace built even as he continued that smooth, rolling motion, and his hand tightened in her hair. She hooked the tops of her feet over his calves and anchored herself on him as she felt her biotics begin to flare and dark energy licked over her skin. “Harder,” she breathed and he groaned as his arm banded around her waist and he began to slam into her with a force that told her he thought her to be anything but fragile. The room filled with blue light as her control shattered and she came apart calling his name. He followed soon after and they collapsed breathlessly onto the bed.

She expected him to leave. He didn’t. He rolled onto his back and pulled her into his arms. When he drew her head to his shoulder and threaded his fingers through her hair, she said, “Huh. I never pegged you for a cuddler.”

“Even a ruthless killer’s got to have a soft side,” he said. “And speaking of soft…” he tilted her head back and stroked her cheek before pressing his lips to hers. “You are fucking beautiful, Shepard. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.”

“You’re a sweetheart, Zaeed Massani,” she said. “Who’d have thought?”

“Shut up,” he grumbled. 

She let him hold her for a few more minutes until curiosity got the better of her. He’d stripped somewhere along the way but she hadn’t had the opportunity to really look at him. She sat up and let her eyes rake over him. He’d been an objectively handsome man before Vido’s bullet had taken half his face. Whoever had put him back together hadn’t been as skilled as Miranda’s team. The scarred side of him was cold and emotionless and added to his aura of danger. It wasn’t pretty but it was damn sexy. The unscarred side of his face had a chiseled beauty that called to mind distant mountain ranges. His body was maintained as well as all of his other weapons. He was broad-chested and slim-hipped with thickly-muscled arms and legs covered in a motley assortment of tattoos and battle scars. He was beautiful in his own way.

He threw his arm above his head and watched her impassively as she looked at him. She saw his eyes widen slightly when she dipped her head and ran her mouth along a line from his chest to his abdomen. His breath caught and a hand slid into her hair when her tongue trailed down and flicked over him as he hardened again. She smiled and licked him like he was her favorite treat as his eyes remained locked on hers. When she finally took him into her mouth, she was gratified to see his eyes close as he focused on keeping his breathing steady. He used the hand in her hair to guide her movements and, once more, she found that she’d surrendered control. His hips flexed slightly and he groaned softly in the back of his throat as her hands slid up his muscular thighs and wrapped around him. “Fuck, Shepard,” he said in a low voice as his breathing grew erratic. 

He pulled her up his body and rolled her under him. She gasped as he slid into her again and her legs wrapped around his trim waist. His hands cupped her face as he kissed her deeply and her own roamed over his broad back. He groaned her name into her mouth and slipped an arm beneath her hips to angle her up into him. She kissed his mouth and jaw and throat and bit down on his shoulder when his rough hand covered her breast. His calloused thumb brushed over her nipple and her nails dug into his back. He rolled them again so that she was straddling him and gripped her hips tightly. This position generally spelled power to her but she was helpless above him as he guided her and thrust up into her. Her head fell back as she rode him and he sat up and took the nipple he’d been touching into his mouth. His teeth scraped over her and his tongue followed, soothing the sting. She gripped his short hair to hold him close, earning a growl against her skin, and she moaned. 

He kissed her again and then put his lips to her ear to say, “Yeah, that’s my girl. Let it go. No choices to make, nobody to take care of, just you and me and this. You don’t have to be the boss now. All you have to do is feel. There’s a good girl. Let me hear it. Call my name as I fuck you.” His hand left her hip to squeeze her ass and then his fingers were tracing the place where they were joined. He collected her moisture and trailed it up the line of her ass and she gasped and tightened around him at the new sensation. “Easy, girl,” he murmured. “I won’t hurt you. Good girl.” His finger eased into her to the knuckle and she gripped his shoulders tightly as he stretched her. 

“I haven’t,” she gasped. “I’ve never…oh, god, Zaeed.”

“I know, sweetheart. It’s all right. Easy now, love. Goddamn, Shepard, that’s my girl,” he praised as he slipped deeper into her and she clung to him, breathing heavily. The sensation was strange but good. When he moved his finger inside of her so that it was pressing up against his cock, she gave a strangled cry and began to move again. 

“Oh, god, Zaeed,” she moaned as she felt his finger seat itself in her ass and he began to move it in time with the thrusts of his cock. “I’m going to…oh, god. Oh, fuck. Please. Please, Zaeed,” she begged, uncertain what it was that she was asking him for.

“Come on, then, sweetheart. Come for me, darling. That’s my beautiful girl. Let go. I’ll catch you,” he said as her biotics flickered wildly. “Goddamn, love, I don’t think you have any idea how that feels. Like being wrapped in fucking lightning that doesn’t burn.” 

He paused as she buried her face in his throat and worked on putting herself back together. When she began to move again, he resumed his ministrations and she nodded when he asked if she thought she could take another. He went as slowly with the second finger as he had with the first and she wasn’t sure if the sounds ripping from her throat were moans or groans or a combination of both. She sounded like one of those damn porn vids Joker liked so much but couldn’t bring herself to care. He was filling her in a way that drove all thought from her head and she rode him with complete abandon. “Please, Zaeed,” she gasped. “Fuck me. Oh, god, fuck me.”

“I am,” he chuckled and thrust up into her more sharply to prove his point.

“No. I mean, I want…” Shit. She couldn’t bring herself to say it. She could shout down quarian admirals and Reapers but she couldn’t ask for what she wanted.

“Not yet, sweetheart,” he said. “It’s going to take a bit more work and a good bit more lubrication before you’re ready for that. Just enjoy the ride.”

He finished before she did this time but the feeling of his fingers pumping into her ass as he pulsed inside of her ensured that she followed hard right after and when her biotics pulsed out this time, it was enough to send her alarm clock and several datapads crashing to the floor. She lay bonelessly in his embrace as he dropped kisses into her hair and held her close. She was grateful for his affection because she was feeling more vulnerable than she had in a very long time. She’d allowed him to do things to her that no one had before and he wasn’t the first to have tried. The depth of trust that attested to scared the hell out of her. He wouldn’t harm her physically. She trusted him without reservation to keep her body safe. However, he could ruin her without even trying. 

She didn’t think he was the type to indulge in locker-room style bragging but a single slipped, ‘Commander Shepard begged me to fuck her in the arse,’ could be enough to change the way that at least the new members of her crew looked at her. Hell, it very well could change the way that _he_ looked at her. It was a little late to worry about whether he would still respect her in the morning. He wouldn’t hold her like this if he was just going to turn around and call her a whore the next day but he had a temper and he tended to say things when he lost it. She reminded herself that Zaeed was as loyal as Garrus once you’d earned it and that he wouldn’t deliberately betray her. 

“You’re thinking too goddamn much,” he said into her hair. “You’re not just a random fuck unless you want to be, Shepard, and I think it was goddamn sexy and a bit fucking humbling that you were willing to try something new and a little dirty with me. So quit worrying and let’s have a bit of a snuggle and go to sleep. I’m going to trust that you aren’t the type of bitch to kick me out of this bloody great bed of yours before morning.” His voice lightened enough on the last to tell her without looking that he was teasing her and she smiled and kissed his chest.

“What’s wrong?” she asked. “Don’t like your cot? You could always sleep in the crew quarters.”

“Fuck off,” he said. “I think I’ll sleep in the captain’s quarters instead. It’s got goddamn ambience what with that fucking fish tank and all. Why’s the damn thing empty anyway?”

“I had enough deaths on my conscience,” she said. “I couldn’t justify continuing to buy the little guys only to have them die of starvation when I didn’t make it up here often enough to feed them.”

“You know they make a VI for that, right?” he asked. “Maybe that’s what I’ll get you for your birthday. It’d be right pretty with some fish swimming around in there. Relaxing, too.”

“You don’t need to get me anything for my birthday,” she said. “I’ve never really celebrated it before. It’s just another day. I don’t really like all of the attention.”

“Well, you better be prepared, then, because the rest of the crew got you shit for it. I’m late because I was debating between a new mod for that beloved shotgun of yours and that scope that sees through smoke and walls and shit.”

“Garrus got the scope,” she said. “I saw it on the Black Widow before we came out and his name was on the requisition list for the company. He’s done something like that every year. Well, every year I’ve been alive for my birthday. I do the same for him. We tolerate it because we don’t make a big deal of it. How old are you, anyway?” 

“Old enough to know better,” he said.

“I can always check your file,” she told him.

“You wouldn’t abuse your power like that, now would you?” he asked with a teasing slap to her ass.

“I would,” she said with a grin.

“Forty-six,” he sighed. “Almost twice your age. I was putting the Blue Suns together when you were still toddling around and playing with dolls.”

“How young do you think I am?” she asked. 

“Mid-twenties,” he said.

“I wish,” she said. “I’m thirty-two.”

“Still would have been young enough to play with dolls,” he said.

“I never played with dolls,” she said. “Twenty years ago, my brother John was teaching me how to use a shotgun.”

“Didn’t know you had a brother,” he said.

“He died on Mindoir,” she said quietly. “The batarians killed him.”

“Shit. I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to bring up bad memories,” he said awkwardly.

“You didn’t,” she assured him. “He was on my mind anyway. It would have been his birthday, too.”

“Twins, eh?” he asked.

She nodded. “You’re not the only one. I didn’t know you’d lost a girlfriend.”

He shrugged. “Like I said, didn’t last long. Drunk bastard took her out. Probably wouldn’t have lasted anyway. She’d have likely tried to kill me eventually.”

“So why did Shiara, Melara, and Aria try to kill you?” she asked. Tristana had been working for Vido and turned on him on the Verrikan. He’d kicked her out into space before jumping into an escape pod before the turians shot the ship down.

“Fuck if I know,” he said. “That’s what happens when you get involved with mercs. They’ll turn on their own goddamn mothers for the right amount of credits and it’s real goddamn easy to kill someone who trusts you enough to let their guard down. Aria was my own fault. I broke the first rule of Omega. Killed the leader she’d handpicked for the Suns after he murdered a little girl. She didn’t give a shit about the kid. She was pissed about Fortan, though. She forgave me after about five years when that turian girlfriend of hers, the one you met on Omega, told her that Fortan had been planning on trying to take her out.”

“I liked Nyreen,” Shepard said. “If she’d made it, I’d have been tempted to introduce her to Garrus. They’re a lot alike. Aria kissed me.”

Zaeed laughed. “Don’t surprise me none. She’s always had good taste. So, you gonna let me stay the night or what?”

“I suppose,” she said. “There might be certain benefits in it for me.”

“You’re goddamn right there are,” he said. “In the morning, though. Sleep now, love.”

There were benefits, but not the kind she’d expected. When that damn dream pulled her in and sent her running after a dead child while the ghosts of her friends called out to her, he was there to wake her up and drag her back out. He didn’t say anything but simply pulled her to him and rubbed her back until her breathing slowed and she could close her eyes without fighting back tears. He tucked the blanket around her and kissed her head and she wondered, not for the first time, who the hell this was and what the hell he’d done with Zaeed Massani.


	12. Chapter 12

Hackett ordered them to the Citadel for shore leave after Horizon. Shepard wasn’t happy about it but she supposed that it made sense to make sure everything was up to par before the final push. Once they went after Cerberus and got the information about the Catalyst, things would move swiftly toward the end. The crew needed a break, too, especially after Thessia. Zaeed told her she needed one as well. She was just looking forward to a few days spent in bed with him. 

She was surprised by how quickly they’d become comfortable with each other and how fast they’d fallen into a routine. She kept things light and tread carefully to avoid pressuring him. There was none of the torment of uncertainty with him that there had been with Jacob and she liked that she didn’t have to worry about his reactions to her decisions the way she did with Kaidan. When she’d had to shoot Miranda’s father, he’d accepted it without a second thought while Kaidan would have agonized over the morality of her choice. When she stopped by his quarters on her rounds, he greeted her with a kiss and a story or, on more than one occasion, a quick fuck across the table or up against the window to the drive core—something that had her sincerely hoping that none of the engineers were looking up at the time. If something bothered him, he told her. If he was just in a shit mood, he told her that, too. At night, she found him in her cabin and he was there when the nightmares descended. When she fell through the floor of the temple and Liara dragged her up, he’d growled, “That’s my goddamn job,” and had held her in the shower while she’d finally succumbed to the weight she’d begun to increasingly struggle to uphold. 

All hopes of a peaceful shore leave shattered with the fish tank in the sushi place. This time, there was no one there to catch her when she fell and she had the not very funny thought that Zaeed was going to lose his shit when he found out she’d died falling through a fish tank at dinner. At least she hadn’t tried to kill him first. Surprisingly enough, she managed to slow her descent enough that she was simply badly wounded rather than dead at the end of it. She groaned as she hauled herself to her knees and took inventory. She’d sprained her ankle, which wasn’t entirely a shock given that she was wearing goddamn heels for some ungodly reason. A few of her ribs were definitely broken. Her wrist was starting to swell and she was pretty sure it was broken as well. Her head pounded and she had enough glass in her skin to turn her into a walking pincushion. She pulled out the worst of them and cursed herself for handing Brooks her entire supply of medigel. 

At least she’d held on to the weird pistol and Joker was rallying the crew. She just had to make it through until the cavalry arrived. She was an N7 and a Spectre. She knew how to fight alone. She’d held off a hundred men on Project Base until that damned artifact had knocked her out and allowed one of them to flank her. She’d taken a Triton mech to the bottom of the ocean and talked to Leviathan alone. She and Kasumi had demolished Hock’s army with just the two of them. She could handle a group of mercenaries. She distracted herself from the pain and the fear that kept threatening to creep up on her by keeping a running kill count to brag to Garrus about later. He was going to be pissed that she’d gotten all of the action. She remembered Wrex bitching, _You get to have all the fun_ , and snorted. Fun. Riiight. This was a blast. 

Charging hurt like a son of a bitch. She was already battered and hitting armored mercs in nothing but a dress was a bad idea. She switched to shooting out shields and throwing enough shockwaves around to make Jack proud. A sniper’s round punched through her barrier and into her shoulder and she cursed. When Zaeed’s voice came over the comm, she wanted to kiss him. “Those goddamn sons of bitches are going to rue the day they decided to fuck with Zaeed Massani’s girl. You just hold on, sweetheart. I’ll be there in a minute.”

Just having his voice with her lifted her spirits. She tolerated Brooks’ bitching about using her comm and even managed to make a few jokes to let Zaeed know that she was all right, at least for the moment. She felt a wave of gratitude when she saw him leap over a skycar and blast two mercs with concussive shots. “Bad goddamn day, eh, Shepard?” he asked with relief in his voice. His eyes roamed over her and he said, “Nice fuckin’ dress.” She cleared her throat with a grin and he said, “Right. Focus. Skycar lot. You sure do fall a fucking lot, you know that, right? It’s too damn bad, too. I’d been thinking about taking your sexy arse out on a date there. Heard it was the best goddamn sushi place on the Citadel.” 

“We’ll talk about it later,” she said.

“You sure you didn’t kill the fish in your tank on purpose? You seem to have it out for the little buggers. Now you’ve got that VI in there to keep them alive in your cabin, you had to move on to bigger and better things. I’ve been with a lot of shady people in my life, Shepard, but I ain’t never dated a fish murderer before.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she insisted but couldn’t keep a grin off of her face at the thought of herself going around and murdering innocent little fish for fun.

Before they could get the gate open, though, he saw the wince that slipped across her face and pulled her behind the counter. “Goddamnit, Shepard, why didn’t you tell me you were fucking hurt?” he demanded.

“It’s not that bad,” she said.

“Bullshit,” he snapped as he withdrew medigel from one of the compartments of his armor and began to apply it to her injuries. “Little more and you’d have been a fucking goner. Don’t goddamn do that to me again.”

“Hey,” she said, tilting his face up to look at her. “I’m all right.”

“Says the woman with a goddamn bullet in her arm and seven broken fucking bones and a concussion,” he grumbled. “You’re lucky that rib didn’t shift and puncture your damn lung. As it is, it’s likely bruised.”

“I got worse on the Collector base and survived. I had worse after the Kenson incident and survived. Hell, I died and survived that, too. I’m hard to kill, Zaeed. You should know that. I kill Reapers for a living. It’s going to take more than an army of mercenaries to bring me down.”

“I’m never letting you out of my goddamn sight again, woman,” he grumbled. “Shit always goes bad when you don’t have one of us at your back. Come on. Let’s go get the others.”

When she drew her pistol to shoot out the window, he stopped her and knocked on it. “‘Ey. Open the goddamn gate.”

Wrex joined them at the skycar lot and they held off the mercenaries together until the actual cavalry arrived. Zaeed pulled her onto his lap without a bit of hesitation over Wrex’ and Brooks’ presence and took the pistol she’d picked up from the magnetized holster on her hip. He looked at it without speaking and, when they arrived back at the apartment she’d barely had time to even walk through, he pointed it out. Liara and Glyph got to work tracing it and he picked her up and carried her up the stairs. She normally wouldn’t have allowed that even when she was injured and the medigel he’d given her followed by more from Wrex on the shuttle had helped but she thought that he needed it more than she did so she conceded without too much fuss.

He was gentle as he put her down and knelt down in front of her to carefully pick out all of the tiny slivers of glass that remained in her skin. “I can do that,” she said.

“I’ve got it,” he snarled. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked. 

He snorted and then said, “You know what’s wrong. How the hell am I supposed to keep you safe when you can’t even go out to dinner without some arsehole shooting up the place to get to you?”

She ran a hand through his hair and said, “You can’t. I can’t. Safe isn’t an option for me. I’m a Spectre. Our life expectancy is measured in years rather than decades even without this war. If you can’t handle that…”

“Shut up,” he said. “I’m not going any fucking where. I’ve known all along you’re a big goddamn hero. Just…not used to giving a shit about anybody’s life but my own. It’s going to take some getting used to. Don’t do that. You’ve got glass in your hair. Shake it out over the sink and then get in the tub. Don’t know why they didn’t give you a goddamn shower in here. Tub’s nice if you fancy a dip but you can’t ever get truly clean in one. It’ll work for now, though. Bet your muscles are screaming bloody murder.” 

“I need to go down and see if Liara’s found something,” she said.

“No,” he said as he stripped down. “This is personal and you’re not the one in charge here. Liara knows where you are. She’ll call up if she finds something. Let the others work and let us take care of you for a goddamn change. You aren’t going to be fit to fight if you don’t work the stiffness out of that shoulder and ankle.”

“Yes, sir,” she said sardonically as he lifted her up and stepped into the hot tub with her.

“Kinda like the sound of that,” he purred against her ear as his hands slid carefully down her ribcage. The bones had knitted back together already but it was still tender and he knew it. That didn’t stop him from nibbling on her ear. “You feeling up for some mischief?” he asked. “I’m finding a need to reassure myself you’re still here.” It was extremely rare that he admitted to any kind of vulnerability so she nodded and let her head fall back onto his shoulder as he lifted her gingerly and slid into her. He didn’t move any further and simply wrapped his arms around her as tightly as he dared. “Thought I’d lost you,” he said baldly.

“I thought you had, too, when I fell through that fish tank,” she admitted. 

“It’s my job to catch you,” he said. 

“You did,” she told him. “I wouldn’t have made it through that skycar lot if you hadn’t been there. What the hell is going on, Zaeed?”

“I don’t know, love,” he sighed, “but we’ll figure it out and then we’ll gut the bastard who decided to come after you. Nobody fucks with my girl.”

“Nobody but you,” she said with a smile as her hands trailed up his thighs in the water. 

“That’s the goddamn truth,” he groaned and began to move with her. The water sloshed but they ignored it. Eventually, she turned to face him and he kissed her like there was no tomorrow while they rode each other slowly, both too hesitant and weighed down by baggage to put their feelings into words but showing it with their touch.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very NSFW

A goddamn clone. Cerberus had made a goddamn clone of his girl. And the fucking thing thought it could take over her life, eh? Yeah, well, it couldn’t handle Zaeed fucking Massani. No one could but his Shepard. It was easy enough to figure out which one was which when they were hanging off the back of the shuttle bay door even with them in matching armor. The goddamn clone was the one looking scared while his girl just watched him even as her hand slipped. She knew he’d catch her. That kind of faith couldn’t be goddamn cloned. It had bothered him more than he’d like to admit to watch the bitch fall, though. He knew it wasn’t his Shepard but it fucking looked like her and in his nightmares, it _was_ her. He didn’t tell her that but he didn’t have to. It was pretty damn obvious when he woke up holding her so tight she couldn’t breathe.

She’d thrown a party to celebrate and everyone was here. The apartment was nice enough, he supposed, but not for his girl. Enough people tried to kill her that she hadn’t even been worried when that traitor Brooks or whatever her fucking name really was told her someone was trying. She needed somewhere safe to go and he needed to know she was protected even when she was alone. He’d lost too many goddamn women he’d cared about and he didn’t think he’d survive losing Shepard. Fortunately, Garrus was one brilliant arsehole and shared his mentality. Before the night was over, this was going to be the most secure fucking apartment ever built. She indulged him but got a little pissed when he referred to her as his old ball and chain. He could hear her scowling through Garrus’ comm and didn’t need the turian’s whispered, ‘Now you’re going to get it,’ to tell him that the footsteps coming up behind him were hers.

“What the hell are you doing?” she asked when she saw him by her hot tub. 

He explained his plan for arma-fucking-geddon if another one of her clones decided it fancied a dip. She explained that keying it to her DNA wouldn’t work for a clone because it’d kill her, too. He felt like a fucking idiot. He rubbed the back of his neck and said, “Look, sweetheart, I’m a soldier, not a goddamn scientist. You want me to create an explosive from the household chemicals in your kitchen and I’m your man. You want me to go into the science behind a goddamn clone, you’re fucked. I just ain’t that smart.”

Her arms came around him and she said, “You’re absolutely brilliant, Zaeed, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Biology just isn’t your forte. So, why don’t you undo that booby trap on my hot tub so we can have some fun in it later and go back and join the party?”

“Yeah,” he said, “I can do that. But, first…what happens if your goddamn clone comes in and decides she wants a snack while she waits for you to get home? I can—”

“Zaeed,” she cut in, reaching up to cup his face. “If another ‘goddamn clone’ shows up here, I’ll kill her. If Garrus’ or Liara’s or Joker’s ‘goddamn clone’ shows up here, I’ll kill it, too. It’s all right.”

“What if it’s my goddamn clone?” he asked.

She grinned saucily and said, “I might do very, very naughty things with it before I kill it. It would be an incredibly handsome clone, after all.”

He snorted but kissed her forehead anyway. He didn’t know how the hell he’d gotten lucky enough to have this beautiful lady look at him like she did but he was going to make sure he never gave her reason to look anywhere else. Those two little boys downstairs didn’t have a clue what they had thrown away when they gave her up and it was their fucking loss and his fucking gain. Hell, she might even manage to get him in a suit again if it meant she’d look at him the way she did the night of that fancy party at the casino. Of course, there was one scenario in which he’d gladly wear a goddamn tux but he wasn’t going to push his goddamn luck. He lived to make her smile, so he went down and joined the party. She didn’t need to know that he’d gotten Garrus to keep working. 

He must have gotten more drunk than he’d intended because when she came over asking what he thought about the damn music she had blaring, he said, “I think…I goddamn love you, Shepard. There. I said it. Don’t say anything.” He’d fucking done it now. She’d either try to kill him or she’d kick him to the damn curb. She deserved better than to be loved by some grizzled old merc fourteen years her senior with nothing to offer her.

To his utter shock, she sat down on the couch beside him and pulled his arm around her. She kissed the side of his neck and said, “I think I love you, too, Zaeed.”

That was the last thing he’d expected. He didn’t know what to say. “Oh. Well, then. Good. Let’s just have ourselves a bit of a snuggle then.”

They didn’t make it back to the party. She snagged a fistful of beers from the bar and pulled him up the stairs. The party was still in full swing but they doubted anyone would notice their absence. Everyone was well and truly drunk. Tali was hitting on Garrus. Kaidan was hitting on Steve. Grunt and Vega were hitting on Liara. He was pretty sure he’d seen Joker, EDI, and Traynor slip off into the downstairs bedroom together. God only knew where fucking Kasumi was. Jack and Miranda were making out behind the bar in the library on a dare he was fairly certain Shepard had issued. Javik and Samara were discussing history or some such shit. 

Shepard was drunk. He’d never seen her actually drunk but he supposed enough shots of ryncol with Wrex would be enough to get anybody a bit bloody intoxicated. It was kind of cute until his fingers grazed over the acid scar on her back and her eyes darkened. “Tell me,” he said.

They sat down on the floor at the foot of the bed and he passed her another beer as she began to talk. “I’d just completed my N7 training. It was my first assignment leading a team. Seemed like a simple mission at first. The team we’d sent to colonize Akuze had stopped reporting in and we were supposed to find out why. I figured it was slavers. When we got there, though, there was nothing. It was…remember Horizon? Dinner on the table, vid screens running, lights still on. The only sign anything had gone wrong were the empty gun racks and the fact that there wasn’t a single person or body or drop of blood anywhere. I split my squad and we went out to search. There was this valley, more of a dust bowl than anything, that the team had been preparing for terraforming. We decided to camp there thinking that the hills around it would provide shelter from the winds. No one wanted to stay in the prefabs. It felt too much like intruding.”

He put his arm around her shoulders and she leaned in to him. “I can understand that,” he said. “I wouldn’t have wanted to spend the night on Horizon, either.”

She nodded and said, “It was my shift to guard when the ground started to shake. We thought it was an earthquake at first. No one knew what to do. There wasn’t anywhere to go. I gathered them in the center of the valley thinking that it would be the safest place if the quake shook boulders loose from the mountains. It just made it easier for the maws to get us. By the time I realized it wasn’t a quake, it was too late. The ground was roiling like a pot of boiling water and they just exploded up out of it. None of us had ever seen one of the damn things before. We had no idea what they were, how to kill them, what they could do and there were so many of them…. I assumed for a long time that I’d made camp in their nest. They cut through us like a hot knife through butter. We fought. Guns, rocket launchers, flamethrowers, nothing seemed to make a difference. Every time we’d hit one, it would just go back down and pop up somewhere else. 

“I got a lucky shot off on one. Hit it in the mouth with a grenade launcher. It went down. That just seemed to drive the rest into a frenzy, though. I didn’t hold my team together. We were too disoriented and too afraid and they were fucking _eating us_ , Zaeed. Loxley, my XO, got too close to one. It took off the lower half of him and threw the rest. He hit Jenson and Jenson panicked. Once one did, the rest followed and I couldn’t get them back. They broke and ran. I tried to get them to follow me to high ground but it was like they couldn’t even hear me. I decided to head for the rocks, hoping the maws couldn’t break through it, and fight from there. That was when the acid got me. It hurt. God, it hurt. I’ve never felt pain like that before or since. Dying over Alchera didn’t hurt like that damn acid bathing my back. It went from the base of my neck all the way down to my waist. Ate right through my armor like it was fabric. Went through skin and muscle. I broke. I broke and I forgot my men, forgot my mission, forgot everything but survival. By the time the Alliance arrived, everyone else was dead. I don’t remember getting to the LZ. They called me a fucking hero. I wasn’t. I broke just like everyone else and my people died because of it.”

“They were dead already, sweetheart,” he said. “Even the strongest team will break under enough strain. You’re only goddamn human, Shepard. You didn’t run when a gagglefuck of goddamn thresher maws burst up out of the ground in the middle of the fucking night. Don’t know many people who can say that. Don’t know that I could say that. You had fucking acid over a quarter of your goddamn body. The brain shuts down at that point and instinct takes over.”

“You know what the worst part was?” she asked.

“What, love?” he asked.

“It wasn’t a nest. At least, it wasn’t a nest in the way I’d thought. I found out later that Cerberus had unleashed the damn things. It was a fucking experiment to see how we’d react. They were fucking watching us! They watched us die and they didn’t do a damn thing to help us! There was another survivor, Toombs. They took him and they tortured him. He killed himself later. And then I went and worked for them!” she shouted and threw her empty bottle at the wall. “I worked for the people who killed my squad. I betrayed them all.”

“No,” he said, pulling her into his lap. “No, sweetheart. Don’t say that. You had no choice. The goddamn Collectors needed to be fucking dealt with and they were the only ones who’d give you what you needed to do that. You didn’t do it for money. You did it because sometimes doing the right thing requires making sacrifices and sometimes that sacrifice is a piece of your goddamn soul.”

She put her arms around him and her mouth crashed down onto his. He could taste the desperation on her tongue and decided it was time to give her that quick, hard fuck she’d been begging for. Her hands unerringly found the seals on his armor and she stripped it from him with an ease that came from practice while he shoved the hoodie she liked so much off of her shoulders. Once she’d gotten comfortable with him, she was a goddamn hellcat in bed. She still let him lead and that just made it even better but she gave as good as she got. Nothing he wanted was too dirty, too hard, too anything for her. She fucked with her whole body and had gotten incredibly creative with her biotics. She was goddamn perfect. She was a lady on the street, a fearless warrior in battle, and a fucking whore in bed. No man could ask for more. He loved her with everything he had and if she killed him in the end, he’d go out with a smile on his goddamn face. 

She moaned wantonly when he shoved her roughly onto her knees and bent her over the bed. He pushed two fingers inside of her and found her already wet for him. That was another thing that really got his fucking engine running. Commander fucking Shepard, savior of the goddamn galaxy, got wet for him, Zaeed goddamn Massani. It was a heady thing, that. She rocked into his hand and bit down on the duvet as he fucked her with his fingers and stroked his cock. He loved watching her let go like this, loved seeing all that reserve and composure melt away at his touch. She was fucking gorgeous and she was all his. He drew his fingers out of her and circled her arse. She didn’t even tense up anymore. 

She’d begged him to fuck her in the arse more than once but he’d wanted to be sure she was ready. The way she pushed back into him told him she was so he used her own fluids to lube her up and dragged his cock along her to get it wet. Her voice broke on his name when he pressed himself to her entrance and began to slowly push into her. He used his hand to rub her clit as he licked and kissed the back of her neck and she whimpered needy curses into the mattress. She was hot and tight and slick and the way she gripped his cock had him fighting for control. He was determined to make her scream his name first. His own breathing was ragged as he buried himself in her arse and she pushed back into him. If he hadn’t known better, he’d have thought she’d done this a thousand times the way she moved. 

She cried out and arched into him and he nipped her ear and said, “That’s it. That’s my good girl. Louder, sweetheart. I want everyone to fucking know that you’re Zaeed Massani’s wanton little slut. Let them hear it. Let them hear how much you like my cock in your tight little arse. Every time you sit down tomorrow, you’re going to think about how it felt to have me fuck your goddamn brains out. Next time we’re alone, I’m going to tie you up to that goddamn balcony railing, bend you over, spread your legs, and claim you where every fucking skycar flying by can see the goddamn savior of the galaxy getting railed by her merc boyfriend.”

“Oh, fuck, Zaeed,” she moaned as a tremor ran through her. 

“That’s it,” he said. “Come for me, little girl.”

“I can’t,” she gasped, clenching her fists in the duvet. “I’m so close. I need…I need…oh, please.” He grinned against her shoulder and reached out beside him. She jolted a bit when the cool glass of the bottle slid over her. “Zaeed?”

“Easy, love. I know what you need,” he said and ran his thumb over the rim to make sure there weren’t any sharp edges before sliding it into her. She gasped and tightened around his cock as she moaned like a goddamn harlot. It was one of the sexiest sounds he’d heard in all his life. Her hands scrambled for purchase and he slipped his free one into hers as she rode him from below and he fucked her in both holes. He pulled the bottle out when her biotics flared. She’d broken a glass or two before when she came hard and he didn’t want to risk her getting hurt. He finished her off with his fingers and felt her orgasm rip through him as he spilled himself into her arse. 

When they could move again, he drew her up onto the bed and held her close. He adored the vulnerability that came when they tried something new together. It was a part of her that no one else saw and it made him feel ten feet tall that she trusted him with it. He wanted her forever, however he could get her. If she wanted to stay on the _Normandy_ and keep being a big goddamn hero after the war was won, he’d stay with her. If she wanted to retire and move somewhere and maybe get a house and have a couple sniveling brats of their own, he’d do that, too. He’d always wanted a kid and he could just picture a little version of Shepard running around. It was early days to be thinking about something like that, though, so he just said, “I do love you, Shepard.”

“I love you, too, Zaeed,” she murmured and nuzzled his neck. He’d never been goddamn happier in his life.


	14. Chapter 14

Zaeed had grown up in London. Not the area where the Reapers were currently carving a swath through the city. No, this part of it had always been too high culture for the likes of the Massanis. He’d grown up in the slums, the places where plague had once been carried by the rats and rough streets and rough people and rough voices were the norm. It was the kind of place he couldn’t imagine his girl ever stepping foot in even though he logically knew that she’d been in worse. Still, this was his goddamn city and the Reapers thought they were going to take it from them. It was a goddamn nightmare. There wasn’t much that could make Zaeed Massani feel real fear but he was man enough to admit that fighting through to the FOB and knowing his girl was in the thick of this shit was damn well one of them. 

He'd never seen anything like this. Reaper forces were fucking everywhere. Everything they’d seen thus far from the Collector ship to Tuchanka had just been a glimpse into what real hell looked like. Banshees, brutes, rachni, marauders, goddamn Hades cannons, Reapers taller than fucking skyscrapers. The goddamn husks swarming all over them were almost a break. He hoped Shepard had one hell of a speech to pull out that pretty little arse of hers. They were going to need it. This made Omega 4 look like fucking child’s play. Every meter they moved forward pushed his dreams of after the war further away. This wasn’t war. This was goddamn slaughter. 

When they reached the FOB, he waited with the merc groups while she went around and talked to her crew. Said her goodbyes, more like. They all knew the odds of getting out of this one alive were somewhere between slim and goddamn none. There was a sick churning in his gut that told him he was going to fucking lose her. He should have known better than to get involved with her. Loving him was bad goddamn luck. The look in her eyes when she found him told him she was thinking the same thing about their chances. There wasn’t going to be a tomorrow for them and they both goddamn knew it. That didn’t stop him from saying what he needed to say. He might be bad luck but he wasn’t about to let her walk away without knowing it all. 

She slid her hands into his and gave him the saddest smile he’d ever seen as he said, “Look, Shepard. I’m no goddamn good at this kind of thing but it’s all gone to shit anyway so I might as well try. I thought the best goddamn years of my life were spent putting the Blue Suns together. I was wrong. They were on the _Normandy_ with you. Best decision of my life was taking that contract with Cerberus to join your crew. If, by some miracle, we make it through this, I want to spend however much time we’ve got left by your side. I love you more than Jessie, girl, and I ain’t going anywhere unless you tell me to. Should have told you before but I’m all in. Whatever you want, just say the word and I’m there.” 

She closed her eyes and slid her arms around his waist. “Kids?” she asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “We can have a goddamn house full of ‘em if you want.”

“Urz?” she asked and he laughed.

“Only you and Jack would have goddamn varren for pets. Yeah, sure, you can keep your bloody great pup.”

“I want to go home, Zaeed,” she said softly. 

“My home’s wherever you are, Shepard. You want to go back to Mindoir, we’ll go back. You want to live in that apartment on the Citadel if it’s still there, we’ll live there. Don’t matter to me where we live,” he said. “I, uh, got you something.”

She pulled back and looked curiously at the circle of metal in his hand. “Is that a part from a rifle?”

“Yeah,” he said. “The old M-8 Avenger had this ring. It’s the piece that holds it all together. Got rid of it because it was the most common part to break. This one’s from Jessie. Still whole. It seemed appropriate because you’re the thing that holds us all together and you’re also the only thing left that can break me…but you won’t.” He slipped off her gauntlet and held her hand in his. “Marry me, Shepard?”

“Yes,” she said. 

“Thank God,” he breathed. He slipped the ring onto her finger and, for a moment, they both ignored the battle raging outside and pretended that tomorrow was something they could promise.

He knew they’d been lying to themselves when he saw the wasteland that led to the beam with goddamn Harbinger guarding it. Fuck tomorrow. They were down to goddamn minutes and he fucking knew it. His girl took it in with a look he hadn’t seen on her face even when they’d gone through the Omega 4 relay. She’d finally found a situation that even the great Commander Shepard didn’t know how to handle and she was just as fucking scared as all the rest of them. His girl was nothing if not brave, though, and she did exactly what he knew she would do. She squared her goddamn shoulders, waved him and Garrus forward, and said, “This is it. We can’t stop. We can’t hesitate. We can’t look back. I don’t care what happens. We run and if I go down, you run. You don’t stop. You run and you get to that damn beam and you end this. That is your only job, both of you. Got it?”

“You’re fucking daft if you think I’ll leave you behind,” he growled.

“No!” she shouted. “This is bigger than you and bigger than me and bigger than all of us. If you don’t keep moving, it won’t matter what happens to me because we’ll all be dead. Promise me, Zaeed.”

He didn’t goddamn like it. It went against everything in him to make that promise. But if this was the last thing she asked of him, he’d goddamn well deliver. “Fuck. I promise.”

She broke her own orders when the truck came crashing down on them, though. She stopped and turned to run for them. His whole goddamn body felt like it was on fucking fire and he wondered if this was the kind of pain she’d felt on Akuze. He was fucking done for. She needed to leave him and get to the goddamn beam. He tried to tell her that but she was already pumping him full of medigel and calling the _Normandy_ in for extraction. She and Garrus dragged him to the ship and he shook his head. It was one thing to be left on the field to die. It was a completely different fucking thing to run to safety while she went on and risked her goddamn life. He wasn’t doing it.

“You’re goddamn mad if you think you’re sending me away, woman!” he shouted. “You know what happens when we’re not there with you. It’s my goddamn job to catch you!”

She walked up the ramp toward him with fire and passion and death in her eyes and placed her hand on his jaw. Her thumb stroked the scars on his face as she said, “No matter what happens here, know that I love you. I will always love you. I can’t finish this if I don’t know you’re safe. Go. Be happy. And don’t you dare even think about that Omega retirement plan. You hear me? You retire somewhere tropical and enjoy your life. I’ll be there on the other side.”

“Shepard,” he said, anguish coloring his voice as she began to draw away. “Goddamn it. I love you, too. You come back to me, goddamn it! You hear me?”

“I love you,” she said. “Now, go!” Garrus dragged him into the ship as she turned and ran. The last thing they saw as the shuttle bay door slid closed was the red beam cutting across the ground and slamming into her. 


	15. Chapter 15

Zaeed ignored the turian as he came into the med bay. There was no goddamn point to anything anymore. Shepard was gone. His girl was gone. Another woman he loved taken from him right before his fucking eyes and all because he’d been too busy worrying about her to watch what was going on around him. She was gone and she’d taken all the goddamn light in the universe with her. He grunted as something hit his belly and couldn’t even begin to care when he saw that it was his Jessie, restored for the war. What good could Jessie do now? The traitorous bitch hadn’t managed to save the only goddamned thing in the galaxy he fucking cared about. 

“Get up,” Garrus said.

“Fuck you,” Zaeed snarled.

“She’s alive,” Garrus said. “We’re going to get her. Get up.”

“We saw her die, you goddamn idiot,” he growled, hating to even say the words out loud.

“So did Joker,” Garrus said. “She came back then, too. Admiral Hackett confirmed that Shepard was the one who fired the Crucible. She made it to the Citadel and if she survived the explosion, we’re going to find her and get her back. Now, come on. I’m not waiting on you, old man.”

Zaeed smothered the hope that tried to bloom in his chest but got up anyway. If there was even a slim goddamn chance he could get his girl back, he was going to take it. And, if nothing else, he’d go and find her body. He’d promised to take her home. He would take her home even if it was to bury her. He followed Garrus and the rest of the crew down to the shuttle bay. It felt wrong having Vega pilot the second shuttle but Cortez was still on Earth with the first. The Citadel was in goddamn ruins and he wondered how the hell anyone could have survived it. 

Vega landed the shuttle near the demolished Crucible and they started digging through the blackened rubble and shouting her name. He thought his knees would give out when he heard Vega shout, “Over here! She’s alive! Hang on, Lola. We’ve got you.” 

He ran to the place where the burly marine was heaving chunks of concrete that looked too big even for Vega to move and threw his weight into it as well. Liara pushed them aside and glowed blue. He didn’t entirely understand how biotics worked but he knew that there was a limit to what one person could lift. She didn’t seem to care as she lifted the whole goddamn pile and threw it aside to reveal his girl. Their girl. For a moment, he swore she was dead. She was stiller than any human had any reason to be and her face was covered in soot. Her hair had been mostly burned off and chunks of her armor were gone or melted into her skin. The chest plate looked like a piece of charred meat. Her leg was crushed. There was no way she’d survived that. And then she breathed. It was an agonizing sound but the most beautiful one he’d heard in his whole goddamn life.

“Easy, love,” he said as he gingerly lifted her up. “I’ve got you now. There’s a girl. You did it, sweetheart. You did it. Come on, darling. Let’s get you home.”

___

“Daddy’s home! Daddy’s home!” The pair of voices met him in the doorway as one dark-haired little girl charged into his legs and the other barreled into his arms. Zaeed swept them both up as Shepard’s ancient damn varren jumped up on his thigh and tried to lick his hand. He kissed his daughters’ cheeks and walked past Urz. Shepard leaned up against the bar and gave him that secret smile that he loved so much, the one that was just for him. He went to her and kissed his girl soundly, ignoring his other girls’ cries of, “Eww! Kissing! Yuck!”

“Welcome home, Daddy,” Shepard murmured against his lips. 

“’Bout goddamn time,” he said.

“Daddy said a bad word!” Ashley chimed in her high voice.

“Daddy _always_ says bad words,” Miri said with a huff.

“Sorry,” he muttered. “Were you girls good for your mum while I was away?”

“Yeah,” they said in unison. 

He cocked an eyebrow at Shepard who shrugged. “They’re our daughters,” she said. “How good do you expect them to be?”

He laughed and set the girls down. Their little feet pounded across the floor and back into their bedroom where he could hear one of those goddamn Blasto vids playing. “Hello, love. Miss me?” he asked, drawing Shepard into his arms.

“Always,” she said. “How’d it go?”

“Goddamn pirates. You know how it is,” he said with a shrug. “How’d it go with the Council meeting?”

“The drell are now a Council race with permission to colonize other planets. I’ve been working with Kolyat and Feron to identify several arid ones that would be suitable,” she said. “The hanar are facing sanctions for illegal slavery. Wrex and Tali are our newest Council members. Oh, and Dr. Chakwas came by.”

“Is everything all right?” he asked as concern shot through him. 

Everything was too perfect. He didn’t trust it. He still woke up shaking from nightmares about losing her to everything from another goddamn clone to the now dead Reapers to childbirth to fucking skycars. That she’d survived the war seemed too good to be true. Sure, she’d lost a leg and she had a lot more scars than she did before. It had taken a couple of years before she could walk around the Citadel without picturing corpses piled up in passageways or sleep through the night without waking up with a scream caught in her throat. 

To look at her now, you’d never believe that she’d spent three months in the hospital and another six learning to walk again or that her wrist had been shattered so badly that she couldn’t hold a shotgun anymore. She didn’t seem to mind that her days as a soldier were over. She was still helping people and, at the end of the day, that’s what she wanted. They had two beautiful, brilliant little girls that looked just like their mother. They had a home. They were together. Goddamn bliss didn’t begin to cover it. 

She pulled up an image on her omni-tool with a shy smile that seemed out of place on his confident warrior’s lovely face. She said, “So, when you said we could have a houseful…you meant it, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, having trouble focusing with her beautiful eyes locked on his. 

“Good. Meet Mordin and Thane,” she said and gestured to the holo. 

His eyes widened and darted from the image to her flat belly and back again. “Twins? Again?” he asked.

“They are genetic,” she reminded him. “You’re okay with the names?”

“Of course, love,” he said and pulled her tightly to him. “Whatever you want. Guess I need to stock up on the bacon ice cream again.”

“Actually,” she said, “I want cayenne chocolate. Real chocolate.”

“Of course you do,” he said with an indulgent smile. The cocoa farms on Earth were all but gone. Chocolate was almost as rare as she was now. He’d find it, though. If his girl wanted real goddamn chocolate, then she’d get real goddamn chocolate. His hands slipped beneath her shirt to cover her belly where his children grew once more. He was going to have to upgrade the security again.


End file.
